The rain is hitting the ground and last night I heard this constant ticking of a clock against it. The thing is...I don't have any clocks in my room.

Today is another day.

I know better than to believe him, but I want it to be true, and so I don't hold back. I will be punished for this, I know, but right now I feel Kyle, I feel hope. He will love me, I tell myself.
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I'm not this woman. I'd like to tell him this, but it's pointless. I could stop it all now. I'm not this.
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It is futile, and yet the hopefulness in this gesture is so pure that it seduces me.

-Laura Valeri

I can't wait to reach that point where I am estranged from the anger and bitterness. When I can see you, and feel absolutely nothing.

Time. Tik Tok. Tik Tok.

You shiver and you say to me, "I'm cold."

And all I want to do is make you warm.

Crunch Time!

It feels wonderful going to bed at the time I want, especially after reading a short story on a Friday night. Being surrounded by college students sets up this standard that if I don't go out or drink on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I'm some kind of a loser. But I've never felt as good, as I do right now, after a night out.

For a moment I want to rip Lisa's hair from her head. I want to punch something. I want to hurt somebody. And I think I can understand Dad, the need to crush something you want that you can't hang on to, something that hurts you so bad. But I hear Dana sobbing and it's some pain that goes from the top of my skull down to the sole of my feet. I realize I gotta get out, 'cause I ain't got nothing to do but get out.

...
So once I ask Dana, What makes a saint a saint. She thinks about it for a while, fingering her chin, touching her forehead with two fingers like it's a fortune cookie and it might crack if you want to read what's inside. Then she says, It's faith.
Faith?
And she goes, Yeah. Faith. Hope. Belief. They believe so hard they make things happen.
And then they're saints?
And then they're saints, she says.

-Laura Valeri

When you want something enough, the universe has a way of giving you it.

My boss gave me a dream catcher made by Native Americans, something I desired for a long time; however, I didn't expect to get one this soon.

My heart is filled with gratefulness.

I'm listening to Christmas songs because I can't bare to listen to anything else.

My old TA was replaced by other TA, of course I was irritated because she would have been an easy A since it was the first time she was teaching and her concentration wasn't even literary theory. I was worried about who my new TA was...and it turns out he's fucking amazing. He gave the lecture instead of the professor today and it was as if he lassoed my neck because I was completely captivated by what he was saying. I understood everything. I didn't even think that was possible.

凡事感恩! 每件事情發生一定都有它的原因.

I might have said something then but I didn't. It was something to ignore. If I ignore it, I thought, it won't bother me. But that didn't work so well this time. I tried to reason it away. I had never really tried that before. It seemed like the adult thing to do. It took some concentration. I held very still. I thought of all the reasons it didn't matter. I thought about our being free. I thought, what good would it do to tell him something anyway? I felt very adult, reasoning away my emotions. I didn't say a thing. It was a peculiar feeling, it felt very strange. It was like being dead.

Susan Minot

Is this how it feels like? Because it sucks. Real bad.

If this is only the tip of the iceberg, then I don't want to know how it'll feel to really have my heart broken.

My dad randomly sang a song to me in Chinese and it made me cry. I don't know what I would do if he wasn't in my life.

This is my only true escape

I have reached that point where I'm ready to fully immerse myself into my studies, not because I'm ready to focus, but it is my way of dealing.

I did this previously with Andy and it's welcoming, this familiar process, because lately, everything I've been doing or feeling has been at odds with myself. I want to take this time to recuperate, to rethink who I am and what I want.

(Psalms 138:3) 3 In the day that I called, you answered me. You encouraged me with strength in my soul.

Funny, I dislike religion, but I do believe; I truly do.

I'm losing touch with reality. I need to stop avoiding and start confronting.

"Women shouldn't ask for what they know they can't get," Harry said matter-of-factly. "That's the mistake they make."
-Susan Minot

Sometimes I get so caught up in nonsense that I lose sight of the important matters in my life and I don't realize all the great things I've been given.

For example, the job that I'm working is in the Visual Arts Collection, and though making slides is tedious, my job gives me the opportunity to look at these beautiful paintings made by famous artists as Picasso, Monet, Manet, and Van Gogh. When I look at their art, I feel as though I'm transported back to their century and that I can feel each stroke, each detail, each emotion.

For example, I'm part of a research team that's welcoming (like my job) and is insightful in the area that I'm interested in. I'm going to work with someone who trusts me and values my opinion.

For example, I'm writing stories that will be read by a creative writing professor that enjoys my writing and I won't have to worry about competing with other students for her attention.

I'M INCREDIBLY LUCKY BITCHES!

The Truth is Hard to Take

Another he said to me that he didn't like me because if he did, he would want to be in a relationship with me. If he had liked me, he would overcome any problems to be with me.
And didn't I know this from the very beginning?

Man, I need to shut the fuck up. hahaha I'm just through with this nonsense.

I wish I was with you.

This will become detachment

I always thought I could travel through life without getting hurt. And though this time isn't all that different, I feel that again I have lost another opportunity for happiness. In fact, we didn't even get a chance to get up to that opportunity and I was crying more for that than anything else.

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. ~Kenji Miyazawa

Perplexed

This past week has led me to the question of: Huh???????

I don't want this to be a what-if--I want to see this through to the end, even if I hurt or get hurt.

I need to focus because I'm just a tiny bit fucked up right now. HA!