Come to some bitty of Sense

As mentioned before, I've been listening to lots of piano music because I feel calmer when I do. The way the notes are played, it touches me (wink wink); sometimes I have to catch myself from tearing because there's always a soft sadness to them. It's weird that in the past I never really cared or noticed, but I've come to really appreciate the melodies. For once, I feel like piano is playing an emotion or a string of emotions instead of just a song. You know what it is, instrumental music is more neutral whereas if I was listening to songs with lyrics, I'm more bias towards females unless they have an astounding voice. Currently listening to Andalusian Dream by Suzanne Ciani.

Last night. Oh what happened last night.
Well. I'm done with this, with you. I've come to my senses and reality has set in. Thank you for keeping your distance for three days, I feel back to my old self, no more pining. Though I must admit, my schedule of waking up did return to normal after you contacted me. (Ha that sounded very indifferent and cold).

However...there's still the problem with dreams.

I dreamt of Zhan again last night. It was weird. We were in the Brooklyn house I used to live in and then in my aunt's house. I was sitting next to him on the couch that I used to love when I was a kid. I got really upset at him because I told him to gain weight, but then my cousin scolded me by asking me why I was saying such things. I don't know (but I do know hehe). It was like we were together and our family just accepted it. Then when we were at my aunt's house, we were near a table just laughing like in a very open and hearted way while my whole family was playing mah jong. It was like any other family reunion. Strange.

I think that the reason I keep dreaming about Zhan lately is because I might be unintentionally using him to replace the current one because then I can fully get over it. Additionally, his birthday is coming up. Almost every year, I would send something or say something that was "Happy Birthdayish", but since last year we stopped talking I didn't. That and I was going out with someone. The odd thing was when we were talking I remember how I tried to get him to remember my birthday for the past 3-4 years and finally last year he was like, "Oh June 23, such an easy number. Psh. I'll remember your birthday this time." He said this way way back in December or January. Highly doubted he would since he could barely remember his own.

I never told anyone this, except LiDaJo, but he IMed me (he never goes on AIM anymore) days after my actual birthday to wish me a happy birthday. The gesture rattled my nerves, the fact that he remembered. Seeing his screen name blinking after months of silence...quite a sight...especially since I used to dream about his screen name in an AIM box during his quietude.

Bah. As of right now. Who am I? For now, the Pauline that doesn't care about boys. Too much emotion has been released that I need to return to my baseline to preserve myself.