Blanching at the vagueness of Horoscopes

My dreams tell me more about myself than goddamn horoscopes.

So I skipped a day of dreaming of you; however, I dreamt of you again last night. This time, it wasn't just you, Zhan was in it too. I suppose it's the overlapping of "Muirn Bétha Dan" men in my life.

I didn't recognize or rather I didn't know the location we were in, but it took place in a random house in my neighborhood. I saw you leave your house - to pick me up -and your huge jeans hung loosely around your legs (random). You didn't see me or the kid (my cousin?) next to me following you due to coincidence in path. I remember, of course, straining my neck to see you in all your glory and thinking about how I couldn't wait for our date, for us to spend time together once again.

But I couldn't see you until I had to return the kid home so my dream consisted of mostly the adventure back. I ridiculously loved whoever that kid was, there are only blurry images of me holding him to my side as I covered him from the rain (that kind of stuff, can't remember accurately). I had extreme maternal affection for him. So ready to be a mama or a real aunt. Moreover, I vaguely remember you finally seeing us and waiting patiently, a snapshot of you in your car. Can I say that I adore you? There was this steady feeling of anticipation of seeing you.

Juxtaposed part of the SAME dream:

Somehow, Zhan was close enough to me to be around my family. He was around randomly, talking to my cousins; it was so natural. Yet there wasn't anything, but a lingering sense of affection; though, it felt like more friendship than anything. Gradually (hard to describe the sequences of a dream), he was laying in bed and I was laying in bed with him. Our faces were close and he kissed me sloppily, intensely, and surprisingly for the first time. He thought that I would back off, but I didn't. I kissed him softly, chastely, once, twice, thrice. Then I slightly bit his upper lip. We didn't say anything. He looked at me with those eyes realizing that - even after all this time - I did sincerely like him. That I was once very much besotted with him. That I truly thought he was my soul mate.

I woke up at 10-11 AM for the first time in weeks, perhaps months. It's strange because my body could finally rest, due to knowing that no number (1 new message) would be glaring at me from my Yahoo! inbox - underneath the 'Hi, Pauline'. My motivation every morning to wake up at 8 AM was because I couldn't wait to read your email to me. I mean I know I could read it whenever, it wouldn't run away, but even if I was dead tired, I'd wake up and rush to my laptop, ready to read your electronic message.

This is the only thing out of the ordinary that I allow myself to do because I won't be letting myself take that trip to see you. With Zhan, it was different. I would cross oceans just to see him, just to speak with him. But for you, I can't because our future is bleak and has no possible happy ending. I can't let myself be absorbed by you and you cannot let me enter your life completely. I want to give you the hope you need, the 愛 you deserve. You need that rock, a connection to society, someone to keep you from running back into your heaving empty shell (of life? of body? of mind?). BUT, I still have that cautious part of me that alarms my commitment issues. I say commitment in the sense not that I cannot see myself staying with you, but with dealing and taking responsibility for you. I think that if I were to get married, I would have to completely attach myself to my husband, willing to juggle all his flaws and pains, but that's too scary for me to deal with.

Image Source
Free Souls

So. I can promise to be your friend. I can promise even when you're at your worst that I can tenderly say words of encouragement and enact gentle gestures, but to give each other our hearts (with yours fractured), it would turn our hard-earned Garden of Eden to trodden down posies. It's better to stay in this liminal phase than to fully enter either labeled zones of 'ships.

I told you to catch some sunshine. You replied, "Catch some of you?"
If only.