within me?

Recently, I've been walking to my dad's store because my aunt keeps telling me to get some exercise (she's scared my ass is going to get wider). When I get to his store, I wait around an hour or so for him to close up and then we walk home together. The first time I visited, I was wearing flats and he ended up speed walking. At first, I complained, asking why he was walking so quickly, but, instead of diminishing his speed, he just made fun of me. He continuously remarked on how slow I was, but I retorted that I wasn't wearing any sneakers!

I wanted him to slow down because it was such a beautiful day. I wanted him to absorb things and take a look around. Take everything in. Though, I eventually sped walked with him. However, I did try to persuade him to carry me like how he used to when I was a kid. But he ignored me as usual.

Yesterday, I wore a skirt and sneakers that were more for looks than for running. I thought this time, I'm ready to walk with my dad. Of course, he decided to jog instead of walk. Hence, I ended up jogging in my skirt beside him along Queens Blvd. Even though, it sounds absolutely ridiculous, it felt really good. I miss hanging out with my dad. He doesn't speak much, but when he does, he either tries to impart wisdom or crack a joke. For example, he always makes some sly comment on how I must suck at volleyball because I can't even keep up with his old ass.

But when I'm with my dad, I feel safe. I don't have to act; I can be. All the caution and masks fall, leaving me feeling weightless.

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I was reading age old emails last night because Victor brought up a confession I sent him in 2004. I remember typing the subject line, but I could not for the life of me remember the contents until I read it. It was the most painful thing I have ever read. I was literally moaning in agony because I sound so naive and young and fucking stupid. I started to look through other emails and I have quite a few from everyone from my past, especially from Day. Reading back, Day and I have gotten through a lot of emotional boy drama.

One particular one made me laugh hysterically: on Triangle not drinking, " WHAT?! Okay Pauline, what is this, you can't hook up with a pussy."

There was an email from Gary that I kept, but I barely remember. It makes me want to go back in time and say sorry and tell him I was such a stupid friend, even if he did screw up.

If I apologized right now, would it mean anything? Because I'm really sorry.

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I'm extremely grateful for the people in my life, the genuinely good ones. No matter how jaded they become, I know they would never intentionally hurt me because at the core of their being, they don't know how to be anything but good.

It's funny how I can talk to guys on the phone for hours and make that connection that I adamantly wanted, but we're not in that romantic situation. Whereas the one I would like to stay up late talking to, can't even bother with me. It reminds me AGAIN that it's not worth it and that this is why I prefer older guys.