New Year's "Resolution"

Loneliness is not a physical setting.

My hands are ice cold. I hover them over the kettle to absorb warmth, but this is only temporary for when I retract them they return to their former temperature.

However, if I drink the warm substance, then my body as well as my hands will overbrim with warmth.

This is how I imagine love to be, an everlasting and all encompassing state.

Karaoke is "Oke"

Karaoke, the bane of existence among many others, is inescapable! I knew I would eventually have to face this foe, and, even now, I am hesitant to confront him.

Karaoke has hounded me in my high school years and continues on into college with his childish antics and his horrific singing. Oh! How I abhor karaoke! The ear shrieking pitches and mocking but off-rhythm raps love to encircle my entity and squeeze adamantly. I used to wonder what was so particularly inviting about karaoke. Is it that it gives an excuse to the youngings to scream to their hearts intent or for them to for once become an actual star at least among friends? Or is it that it gives people an excuse to drink and dance without having to submit themselves to the clubbing scene and still spend time with acquaintances? It's actually mind boggling how so many love to karaoke.

While I'm lip syncing to Big Bang (trying to rap--B to the I BANG BANG!) and dancing around in my pajamas, I want to express my pity to those who cannot extract themselves away from fantasy, also known as karaoke.


A little Merlot and other ingredients have definitely perfected my gyudon!

Friendship can replace Loveship

There are times I'm walking home and I realize how amazing some people I know truly are. I don't understand why I used to fight so much with them or why I used to close myself off from them. I have no idea how any of our problems have dissolved or how I have come to recently truly admire a friend that I've known all of my life. Perhaps, I finally matured and admitted that I need them more than I thought.

Thank you for allowing me to express my hopes and dreams. Thank you for enduring my complaints and sorrows.

All Encompassing Hatred

There's a lot of hate in the world, whether it is towards each other or towards religions or towards political groups and so on. I think this kind of hate is impossible to get rid of because everyone is unique and has their own opinions, then it is accurate enough to suggest that this kind of hatred may never disappear, despite one's hopes.

I consider this kind of hate general hatred.

However, there's another kind of hate, worse than general hate, it is a personal hate. Hatred towards circumstances, hatred towards people who are closest, and hatred towards what kind of person one becomes because of it.

Sometimes, it's despairing as well as frightening to feel such hatred because it is a mix of restlessness, and a mix of independence and empowerment. Yet, it is indestructible, like general hatred, or at least no one can prevent it except the person babying the hatred, but only those who have great perseverance and naivety can overcome such an ordeal.

Of course, it is best to hide this bottled hatred from the public because when the paparazzi get a whiff of this, the tabloids will be on a "literary" rampage.

So be careful as to where you tread.

Flexibility is a Crime

Lately, I've been practicing splits and handstands-so I can eventually achieve a flip-I realized I miss jumping around on beds.


Unintentionally, this blog is slowly becoming a fan page. haha. oh dear.

I had the oddest dream last night. I dreamt that I was with my friend and there a creepy man near the gates in this hotel (?) and I knew something was up so I walked ahead but my friend was bitten by the man. Luckily, we got away and the gates closed and kept the man out. However, my friend revealed her bitten arm and somehow it was a vampire bite and any second she would turn into a vampire. But I had to poo so I rushed to the bathroom and was thinking I have to do this fast so I can save my friend. But all the bathroom toilets were disgusting and clogged up, having good visual imagery is not always a good thing; therefore, I ran into the boy's bathroom and tried to poo. It's funny how I wasn't much of a hero.

Trying to shop online for clothes because of Christmas discounts.
Sorry papa, but I had to get them! (Shameful face)

Who Knew Global Warming would be so Cold

The reason behind people wanting to stay in bed is not because they're too lazy-oh no-it's because they would freeze into icicles if they left the warm comforts of their blankets.

Instead of writing vigorously and avidly reading books that I borrowed-I'm surprised I even finished one book-I've been obsessing over Big Bang. Big Bang, a relatively new Korean pop sensation, actually produce songs that I like. "With U", "We Belong Together", "Lies", "Haru Haru", "Number 1", "Sunset Glow"... etc. In response to this list of songs, revealing how pathetic I've been, I have a confession to make; I think I love G-Dragon, the leader of Big Bang. Give me two weeks though and I'll get over my fan girl ways! My personality is like that, I gain interest fast but I also lose it quite quickly. haha I know I'm a terrible person.

I've been thinking about this short story for our website-if we ever build it-and I like the idea so far. Joann and I have already created a short comic strip-I thought of the idea and Joann drew it (dynamic duo)- I have to admit, it came out pretty naturally. Like me, Joann has a short attention span as well, it's shocking that we were able to get this far. Anyways, it's an ironic strip and I can't wait to show the end result!

Future Name might possibly be Fluff Creations, but I think Joann will scoff and shoot this down.

Random Activities:
1. Started to read Ender's Game because of Lily, one of my other best friends. It's quite strange but おもしろい nonetheless.

2. Have been only consuming watery substances like jook, rice congee, and soup. It's not that I can't eat solid foods, I just feel like eating and drinking soup and jook.

Literal Back Pains

SamBakza finally uploaded the Final Step to There She Is!. For those of you who don't know what There She is! is, it is a love story about a bunny and a cat. They live in a society where they cannot love each other because cats and bunnies are segregated, but the bunny, the girl, always chases after the cat even when he doesn't show any interest. I'm not going to ruin the ending, so watch it!!

I really admired this animation, which started 5 years ago, because it reminded me of my situation. It was inspiring and delightful. I, and so did the creator, thought it was only going to be one short, but it was so popular that they created 4 more parts. I watched the last one yesterday. I almost cried because I just don't like when things end, especially very meaningful pieces. I almost cried after reading Alexie's book the other day. haha I don't understand why I'm so sentimental about certain things. Anyways, I'll always look back at There She is! and smile because it reminds me a lot of how I used to feel.

Amiss is Not to be Confused with Miss
Pauline Hsia

In the dark courtyard,
Behind the bicycle and coal cinders,
They meet with warm eyes and rubbish.
Months, translucent, outline his mouth,
Days consume her aging eyes,
Seconds tick on, surging into bodies,
Upon Atlas's shoulders, uncontrollable.
Too late the heinous crime committed,
Iron doors shut for both,
For such a thing was missing,
For such a thing was being waited for.

Shopping is Too Cruel

Joshua Radin's Today

Shoelaces untied
You can dry your eyes
Perfect shadows alive
Behind us
This is the day I make you mine

The way your hair lies
sometimes unrecognized
All the way from these today
on a train
Nothing to say but there's still time

But you are the one
I've been waiting for today
And here comes the sun
It's been baiting on today

Lately I've lost my tongue
Today you found the sun
I know not long has grown
Well I thank god you came along

But you are the one
I've been waiting for today
And here comes the sun
That's been baiting on today

You looked right through me
When there was no one else
I sat beside you and became myself
Today... today

You are the one
I've been waiting for today
And here comes the sun
That's been baiting on today

I am in complete awe of Sherman Alexie and his writing. I finished his novel yesterday night; he has such simple writing but it's so touching and thoughtful that you would have no idea that he hadn't used any difficult words at all. My goal is to be able to craft such beautiful stories with simple words but not with such simple meanings.

Fluff passes through dreams,
white and free and ever,
though no one deems
it to be quite clever.

My sentiments from this poem is that people don't believe in ideals and dreams because they're fantasy and not "quite clever", but they are always there within.

Dreams come true?

Slush traveling marble cake grilled salmon
salad Sony Radio lights train
homeless wind biting cold Korean boys
Big Bang Darah laughter window shopping
Burberry Marc Jacobs Manhattan
cafe " close the door" "looks like a model" hate Juicy Couture
ear muffs scarves gloves Asian couple cars
pollution CPK cocaine smoking alcohol

Addicted to Manhwas

Meditation is like being in Heaven except in an earthly form.

I have not meditated for years, if you call what I do meditating; I put relaxing music on and lay and try to relax my tensed up muscles, my shoulders and neck, and try to clear my mind of everything.

I also took a luxurious shower. It really calms me, to wash away the day's worries and thoughts. I feel better somewhat except that my shoulders are still tense.

I dreamt about my Chemistry professor yesterday; apparently, I didn't end up taking the final exam because they moved it from Lecture Hall 1 to some unknown place. Instead, they were doing something ridiculous in Lecture Hall 1, but I can't recall. I guess it shows myself that I am slightly upset with my Chemistry grade.

"I draw because words are too unpredictable.

I draw because words are too limited.

If you speak and write in English, or Spanish, or Chinese, or any other language, then only a certain percentage of human beings will get your meaning.

But when you draw a picture, everybody can understand it.

If I draw a cartoon of a flower, then every man, woman, and child in the world can look at it and say, 'That's a flower.' "
-Sherman Alexie

I was trying to find a picture from last December. It was a thin heart metal on a string. It had not been engraved yet and was smooth and cold to touch. It laid against Wrinkle in Time and was captured under my lamp's weak light.

It's funny how I know exactly how the picture should look and, yet, I want to see it again to prove to myself that it was real after all.

Morning Walks to Exams Heal

Waking up is the difficult part of getting up, but once I'm up, I'm up.

I feel revitalized when I wake up early, if I sleep early; I feel as if I have the whole day to accomplish a number of things.

Freedom is when I'm relieved from something that has been burdening me.

I returned from my Chemistry exam, feeling particularly optimistic. I saw a couple hugging, and the tiny girl went on tip toes to kiss her boyfriend. It was a blissful and envious sight. Then her boyfriend gave her a cigarette and that innocent image of them shattered. I wanted to laugh at how stupid I was. I, too often, look through rose colored glasses. Though, this may make me a target and more vulnerable to certain occurrences, I prefer to confide in and trust my naive side so I can be more at ease.

An old friend of mine was talking about love again. I'm beginning to look at love as a myth. Where's all that passion and understanding and perfection that love is supposed to bring? I'm sure that I'm looking at it from a critical or, at least, from a superficial point of view, but it's because I'm happy with being single. I don't have to constantly worry or care for someone else. I don't have to think about if my words will cut or if my touches will excite. I am fine with being just me, and not me and so and so.

Love, like happiness, is elusive. If I'm ever fortunate to fall in love, then I would embrace it whole-heartedly, but, for now, I'd rather strive for my personal dreams.

Books to read:
One Man's Bible by Gao Xingjian (I never finished it!)
Flight by Sherman Alexie
The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie
The Love-Artist by Jane Alison

I skimmed Jane Alison's novel; I think she has a big crush on Ovid, since he's the main character.

Sonnet 130

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

Obama, you sexy President you!

Swift as a Secret Agent Ninja

Finals Week reminds me of Black Friday, with everyone waiting and rushing for the same product being marketed, except instead of lingerie and electronics it's books on reserve.

It was as if I was a secret agent ninja, hiding behind columns (a wall?) and eying everyone as a potential threat. I, of course, was able to grab the coveted ACS Guide to General Chemistry with my swift kicks and sneaky tactics.

...

Okay, so I was the only idiot awake that early, due to another exam, to wait for the stupid book.

Where in the Hell is Matt? is an incredible video, showing Matt Harding visiting numerous countries and continents doing his odd dance. This reminds me of Post Secrets because there's this feel, this connection to other people that I wish I could achieve.

I had so many thoughts in my head that I went crazy for a day, and, now, it's empty, but not clear.

Update

I found my old website. Let the web site building begin! I also found an old poem; I'm not going to lie, it's terrible.

Unfathomable (Jan. 17 2005)

Led to my stumble,
Still suffocating in its passion,
Attentive,
As if I could make you crumble.
Being around you made me shiver and shake,
Always deep in my thoughts,
In my dreams.
Don't protect me for my sake.

Built up all my walls.
Yet,
You tore them all down.
Exposing a heart.
Beating one with yours.
Stealing what made me breathe,
Stealing my breath away.
Making me yours.
Nothing mattered,
just you and me.

I was blinded and a fool.
But once I saw your eyes,
Those mesmerizing eyes,
I knew,
I meant nothing,
You meant nothing,
If only this were true.

Ideals of a Stereotypical Asian

Instead of studying properly as I should, I read Cutie Boy, a korean manga.

Sighs. I wish I could live in a story. Now, now, I won't be too wistful!

Cutie Boy.






In a bit of an Asian phrase right now.

Absolute Hypocrisy!

I sprout nonsense about how people should trust each other and lean on others if they need help, but, here I am, as I was, not trusting anyone.

I don't realize that I do not trust people until I come to a point where I think of something private and keep it to myself. I don't bottle things up, but rather prefer not to tell people because if I do then they are a step closer in obtaining a part of me. The reason why I am and can be independent is because I never give a lot of myself to someone. I show them my flaws and morals, but the real essence of who I am, I cannot allow others to see. I don't want to feel regret when they disappoint me because no one can always be there for me. Besides, I have hissy fits all the time. haha

It snowed on Friday. The Trees stood like icicle towers, proud and chilled, and the heavens were a blend of Coral Red and an underlying Cobalt Blue. While, the moon was supposed to be this circular exhibition of glowing light; yet, I could barely see it, could barely feel its presence.

I laid there, at the edge of the field, feeling my fingers and my toes freeze, but I couldn't move. I wished in that instant that I didn't have to eventually leave. I wished that I could stay in that state of vegetation and not have anyone touch me with passion, with happiness, with hope, with sorrow, with pain. I wanted to stay in this state of nonchalance for as long as I could.

That night reminded me of that night from January when I called him and I knew he wouldn't pick up. The sky was just as dark and it was snowing just as hard. I laid there, hoping but already knowing the outcome. So for the sake of the past, I called him again, hoping but already knowing the outcome.

Dashing Knight

Enough said.

Egotistical Pauline

Do you ever feel like everyone is crazy except for yourself? Like everything they say is complete nonsense but due to the determination of their face and voice, they think they know for a FACT that what they are saying is TRUE.

I know this sounds incredibly egotistical, but there are certain people who think they are so right about everything--CONSERVATIVES--and it's difficult to maintain a friendship with them, let alone a civil one. I understand my pretty liberal ideas are offensive sometimes (yes, I refer to the Southern twang that Palin was trying to imitate), but I try to crank it down because some of my "friends" are Republicans, I try to be open-minded to other people's beliefs and opinions; however, I feel that I don't need to be so accommodating with everyone. There are a good number of people who absolutely believe in ONLY their beliefs and customs. The reason why I dislike Republicans so much is because, may not be true in its entity, they support big Oil companies, the war, only Christianity or Catholicism, and, most of the time, keeping out other ethnicities.

Conservatives and Republicans always give off the aura that they are superior; they are close minded to other people's cultures and other religions. This narrow-mindedness can be stretched out for all kinds of issues; therefore, obviously, they would vote only for what any Republican would vote for. If the issue was ridiculous, I might even vote Republican because I am capable of accepting different sides of the situation. If one cannot change or modify their opinions according to the issue at hand, then it isn't worth it to hear their Voice.

This also leads into why I have become to dislike religion. I am all for unity and what religion has to provide. Personally, I believe that religion is meant for good, it's supposed to provoke people to want to cherish other humans and act out of morals. But how can someone believe in treasuring another person's life AND want to go to war. Those are complete opposites. When I went to church, my pastor would always pray for Bush and the war. I'd rather pray for the people forced to go or brain-washed into going. I'd rather pray for the families losing someone they love. I'd rather pray for love, peace, and all those hippie ideals. In addition, I do not like how religion limits everyone and how most extreme religious people are outrageously hypocritical, I am not speaking of lying or lusting or drinking, I am speaking of breaking commandments.

Okay, okay. I'll stop beating around the bush; here is what produced this litany of undertoned and underdone slander. My conservative friend asked me when I was visiting her in her city since she doesn't live in NYC. I said jokingly, "I don't even really know where that is". I'm not a driver yet, so my sense of direction isn't particularly sharp. Then she gives me an incredible face and says, "You don't know where that is? I hate people who don't know their geography". Then she proceeds to ask me if she gave me a map, would I be able to spot where I am now--Bing. I said HONESTLY, I can't say because I'm sure I would be off. Here comes the grand finale, she asks, "If I gave you a map, would you be able to locate where Iraq is." Obviously, I know Iraq is in the Middle East, but I can't say I know exactly where. I am terrible with states and countries; I only know generally where everything is.

SO, she has the audacity to say, "Who gives you the right to vote if you don't even know where Iraq is".

WHHHATTTTTT? How does a geography conversation lead to questioning my right as an American citizen?

This is the breaking point for me because she has said the most atrocious and racist things about Obama. I let it go because I know she's all talk, but to actually say or even imply that because I do not know my geography that I don't have the right to vote was like she spat in the face. I don't need to know where everything exactly is to vote when I know the politics about it. I know I don't want war; I know that the war isn't helping our economy and is unnecessarily killing people, and so I think I have the right to vote.

There's some background to this too, like how she snapped at one of my friends because he said something about Republicans, which wasn't even that bad, because Obama was about to win or how she suggested a truce that we wouldn't rub whoever wins in each other's faces--even though this was 5-15 minutes before Obama was about to win--but I accepted it because I didn't want to be mean.

Then, a day after the insult, she comes by bubbly and acts like everything is okay. She won't apologize and, even so, if she did, I don't think I would accept it.

∴, I guess my lesson is that I can't really be friends with Republicans or Conservatives because they cannot show their civility and so, from now on, I won't show mine.

Beautiful Rage

It flows through me as if I am made out of nothing but tubes, all pumping blood and anger. Crimson and velvety, my knuckles grace the surface of walls, of doors, of ignorance. Clenching inside patience, forgiveness, and maturity for a higher or more efficient calling. For only then, will their ears perk up and comprehend the "doki doki" sound.

Muse, speak to me

I went to bed at 12:00 am and didn't sleep until 1:30 am. It wasn't a good night of sleep; however, I did start thinking foolishly again. haha. I want to be on Oprah's book list and go on her talk show!

Actually--meaning also, not instead--I was thinking about being more outgoing. Trying to be more friendly and not being scared to try new things. Dance, yoga, swim, skii, volleyball...anything that works this fatty butt out!

In addition, more of my book's plot is coming to me. Amusingly, the best time to think about it is in the shower! Showers have this way of cleansing my body physically and spiritually. There's time for thought and absorption of the day's activity and a break from it as well. Showers are delightful.

Jumping again, I was thinking about our website. I'm about to grab a noose and hang myself. I need to fix my computer's wireless. I hate losing important parts like...THE EXPENSIVE WIRELESS CHIP!

Gotta Love the Library Catalogue

Began the writing of the first chapter of my book yesterday instead of studying for finals because I have ADD.

I showed my friend the Jung-Myers Brigg personality test that Billy showed me last year. Yet, again, it was pretty scary accurate. Here's the link if anyone wants to see what personality they are (if you didn't know already): Personality. Click "Do it!" on Jung's Personality Test and you have to answer 72 questions. I remember first thinking, "how can simple yes or no questions typify who I really am?" However, it does accurately describe people, whether you're extroverted or introverted or more critical or emotional. I'm INFP--introvert, intuitive, feeling, and perceiving. Do you know what that means? It means I am awesome.

I have this loony idea in my head that may never come true, but then again I don't know the future. Perhaps, if I try my hardest, it might. You may even agree and shout, "Aja Aja fighting" or maybe not because you're not Korean and neither am I. This dream I have is incredibly out there, not too crazy, but crazy enough because it has to do with another human being. When a plan has to do with anything with another human being, you can't count on anything because humans are unpredictable.



I would like a Celtic tattoo and I would like to stop having my heads up in the cloud.

Also, my friend promised to make me corn beef and cabbage on St. Patty's! Gotta love Irish folks!

Overachieving is Taxing

Okay, okay. Last night, while reading One Man's Bible, an epiphany came to me. I want to write a novel, an allegory for TMS (what is TMS? Good question. Well, go read my book if I ever publish it!) . I know this sounds crazy because most people write books when they're much older, but I decided that there are many published authors who are younger or as old as me. Why should I wait until I'm older? Actually, it would be a better idea since I would have more free time and better writing skills, but I want to start it now. Then I can get someone to direct a film! I'll be rolling in the dough!

I have the general plot figured out last night, and the name and sex of the main and supporting characters. I know the scene of the beginning and end of the novel and what it will incorporate. I also know what feeling the book should give off. I can't wait to write it. I'm really good at jumping all these other minor steps and go for the big kahuna! Also, I have no clue what to do with the up and coming website jojo and I will make, especially if I'm hired during the winter break.

Speaking of going for the big kahuna....I GOT INTO ICD! Insitute of Child Development! I will not be in my dorm from 11:00 AM-8:00PM on Mondays next semester, but it's worth it. Right?

I finally got to drink Acai Berry! I've been running to the shelves in Walmart (I know I shouldn't support Walmart, but damn their low prices!) but they have disappointed me with their lack of stocking of Acai Berry. However, I found some in my dining hall. I purchased Pomgranate and Acai Berry Fuze and because it is in low calories and has low sugar... it tastes like diet juice--yes, apparently, it is possible to make juice taste diety.

"Was that a reason? Why couldn't a writer also be an artist?"
You say it's impossible for her to understand, even if she does know the language. Things in China can't be explained by language alone.

"Freedom is not a human right conferred by Heaven. Nor does the freedom to dream come at birth, it is a capacity and an awareness that needs to be defended. Moreover, even dreams can be assailed by nightmares."
-Gao Xingjian

Rare Same Day Blog

I updated on Wong Fu Pro. and, every time I do so, this need to create and produce something flares up (they also brought up a topic I can write for the newspaper too, about media).

Hence, I'm itching to focus my energies on something of my own-of course sacrificing precious time for studying-something I can be proud of. I instant messaged one of my best friends and started to go on a crazy rant on how we should take up what we always wanted to do, a combination of our abilities. She's meticulous and has a good sense of creating things while I, on the other hand, am sloppy, but have enough passion to boost both of us up. Hopefully, this will bring in our other two best friends (we are less extreme versions of Sex and the City haha) and I have a feeling that if we can give it our all to whatever we'll be doing then we can accomplish something beyond phenomenal. Of course, this could be youth speaking.

My AIM conversation with Jojo:

Dr34m0n898 (4:39:42 PM): yeah

Dr34m0n898 (4:39:46 PM): u should kill them!

Dr34m0n898 (4:39:49 PM): and also u know where i live

Dr34m0n898 (4:39:51 PM): so u can bother me

Dr34m0n898 (4:39:52 PM): hahaha

Dr34m0n898 (4:39:58 PM): the only issue with us

Dr34m0n898 (4:40:01 PM): is our lack of focus

Dr34m0n898 (4:40:04 PM): or at least mine

Dr34m0n898 (4:40:07 PM): i lose interest fast

Dr34m0n898 (4:40:12 PM): but if we can get deep with it enough

Dr34m0n898 (4:40:19 PM): i feel like we can do something really like amazing

Dr34m0n898 (4:40:23 PM): and i dunno what it is yet

Dr34m0n898 (4:40:26 PM): but between u and me

Dr34m0n898 (4:40:31 PM): we can think of something you know

Dr34m0n898 (4:40:35 PM): for example our web comic

Dr34m0n898 (4:40:41 PM): if we stuck with it, we would have been so good now

Dr34m0n898 (4:40:49 PM): i wish we did do something all these years we wanted to

Dr34m0n898 (4:40:53 PM): i dont want to look back and be like

Dr34m0n898 (4:40:56 PM): we had all this potential

Dr34m0n898 (4:41:00 PM): and never did anything

Dr34m0n898 (4:41:03 PM): and we go into professions

Dr34m0n898 (4:41:06 PM): that'll slowly kill us

Dr34m0n898 (4:41:08 PM): hahahhaa

I want to also admit I am shaking. I wish I could say it's from alcohol or crack, but it's because I'm restless and need an outlet.



Don't judge me!

Exploration is the Best Approach

Dear G,

It's strange how distances can separate two people, but yet they're able to find a way to stay in contact and in tuned with each other lives. And, yet, I cannot brag of this quality for our friendship. Distance is not the factor in producing this minor riff between us, but rather Time has used its bludgeoning fists to beat our relationship into this awkward "you say one thing and I respond a million years later or I say one thing and you say one thing" sort of pathetic interplay of words and greetings.

I wish I could speak freely to you like I do with everyone else. I wish I could sprout my beliefs and opinions and feelings like I wanted for years. But I can't; I can't change or rid the disappointed expectations I once had and still hold for you, and I can't prevent the creeping feeling that you have disappointed expectations of me. So, I use this as a pseudo-letter--not my first--to you, and, perhaps, one day I will find the courage to actually send a real one.

Random 1: I watched P.S. I love you today; I, like a baby, teared and it wasn't that sad. I just have this intense depressing feeling when I see or hear about death and unfortunate events--am not sappy, just feminine attributes that my estrogen likes to remind me of from time to time.

Random 2: Tonight was one of those nights where I'm really susceptible to people's comments and actions. You know, when you begin to realize how human you are to other people's opinions. So a friend of mine complimented someone else, which is nothing to complain over, but it struck a cord within me. He thought he offended me afterward, which he did but I would never admit it, and promptly and insincerely apologized because he couldn't understand what I was feeling at the moment.

Random 3: Weeks ago, my friend said suddenly, "I know what kind of person you are. You never allow yourself to be vulnerable". I guffawed and denied it, "No! I open up to close friends all the time!" "Not vulnerable with friends. I mean you would never be vulnerable with boys". I stared at her and lashed back grudgingly, "Well...okay...yeah".

Connect Random 1 & 2 & 3: I'm sure you have been questioned or asked yourself at least once, "Do you believe there's someone out there in the world for you?" I can't say I know how to respond. I mean I hope so, but I can't imagine myself to actually find someone I want to date, marry, and have children with. It would take someone particularly strange to be able to handle my thinking process, and emotional and mental mood swings. I guess I'll know who it is when I can be with him for more than a few months and not get tired of him. I feel like I lose interest in things really quickly, not just boys, but friends, topics, you name it--yeah, I'm a terrible person.
I can't see myself giving up a part of myself, my independent and, ultimately, happy self, for a boy, who I will discard eventually. I don't mean to come off like a bitch, but it's just one of my many flaws.

Anyways, I want to end with this, as so you will not get the wrong impression of me AGAIN. I'm quite taken with it for obvious reasons, and if anyone could really understood its meaning, it would have to be you.

A VALEDICTION FORBIDDING MOURNING.
by John Donne

AS virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say,
"Now his breath goes," and some say, "No."

So let us melt, and make no noise, 5
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move ;
'Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.

Moving of th' earth brings harms and fears ;
Men reckon what it did, and meant ; 10
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.

Dull sublunary lovers' love
—Whose soul is sense—cannot admit
Of absence, 'cause it doth remove 15
The thing which elemented it.

But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss. 20

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so 25
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th' other do.

And though it in the centre sit,
Yet, when the other far doth roam, 30
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.

Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th' other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just, 35
And makes me end where I begun.

Yours Truly,
Pauline

Teeth Chattering Warmth

It's been a grueling week with papers and exams, but I survived! And I applied to Institute of Child Development and my Book Award.

Even if I don't get accept any of them, I can at least rest easy knowing I tried.

Sonnet 1

When Father preaches of Heaven and Hell,

Forgiveness, repentance, and contrition,

I cannot help fall underneath His spell,

Since no one can escape the mortician.

My soul may be tainted with sins and wrongs,

And my intentions may never be right,

As long as his soul or her soul belongs

To Him then all feelings should be contrite.

Yet, Beelzebub will render me speechless,

With necromancy and knowledge around.

Celestial beings will be in excess,

And thus will Mephastophilis surround.

So be content to observe with only awe,

For I made the mistake not to withdraw.

Sonnet 2

Oh! How Aeneas, welcomed by Dido,

Wreaked havoc upon her senses and breast,

Did not mean to intent her eyes aglow,

However, he did not hold much protest.

His fleet was in dire need of repose,

So faithful Venus convinced Cupid, her son,

To stoke Dido’s fire, for she well knows,

Without Dido, the Trojans are undone.

But, her frenzy grew highly demented,

Chose to discard her empire for a king,

Even though, her heart was long tormented,

She should not have used her sword for killing.

Farewell to the Tragic Queen of Carthage,

Since all are beaten by Fate’s lineage.

I know they're not in iambic pentameter, but I tried.

Here's also my belated article.

Lights are dim, music is blasting and it is Friday night; you spot a cute boy with no girl in sight. As a consequence, your predator instincts kick in, telling you it’s time to hunt.

The rhythm of the music intertwines with the rhythm of your heart and you manage to make eye contact with him. You think he’s tall and stylish, a bit too stylish, but that’s not a problem because you’re too busy thinking about how cute he is. Thus, you stumble to his side to ask him to dance. He smiles sweetly and instantly replies, “Yeah, sure! Just hold on a second so I can tell my boyfriend.” I’m sure your heart plummeted right then when your cute boy turned into a gay boy.

Apart from the trauma of losing a magnificent specimen to the opposite sex, again, and the indirect rejection, females eventually accept — although not wholeheartedly — the detail that the only good-looking guy at the bar is gay. However, America cannot boast the same reception with the passing of California’s Proposition 8. It seemed incomprehensible that California, our liberal companion, was even capable of passing a ban on homosexual marriage.

With the election of Barack Obama into the presidency, one would think that society would be a step closer to accepting other races, other religions and other sexual orientations, but apparently these are forbidden and fruitless thoughts. The sad truth is that society will always have its bias against those who are different. They will concoct preposterous claims to support their opinions in order to fix the status quo. Yet, homosexuals are still humans; they should have a say in their lives. Who gives another person the right to choose what someone else can or cannot do, particularly in romantic affairs? If I want to get married to a boy, then I should be able to. If I want to get married to a girl, then I should be able to. If I wanted to get married to a blasted plate, then I should be able to. It does not concern the government, it does not concern my parents — well, a little — and it does not concern others.

I wish I could chalk up this ban of gay marriage to society being jealous that homosexuals can find someone they want to cherish their life with; but, I highly doubt this is the case. In reality, the real reason is because people are petrified of what they do not understand and of what they do not foresee. Allowing same-sex marriage may encourage more gays to be open, but they should be allowed this privilege to relish marriage and their identity; however, this does not necessarily mean that it will also persuade heterosexuals to magically transform into homosexuals. People should simply have the opportunity to celebrate who they are.

In addition, the freedom to marry one’s own sex will not disrupt society with lewd sex acts, and HIV will not spread like wildfire. Rest assured that plenty of heterosexuals will achieve this or have already done so. If Connecticut is capable of giving homosexuals their rights, then it should be about time for New York and the rest of the United States to jump on the “Gay and Proud” bandwagon.

Fast and the Furious

I woke up agitated today and anxious because last night I slept but could only think about what's awaiting me this long week of exams and essays. I procrastinated too much and for too long and the consequences will definitely catch up to me. Right as we speak, my actions and my thoughts are faster than usual to accommodate for all the lost time (I am rapidly typing this).

I wasn't planning on writing an entry, but I noticed today was World AIDS Day. I feel that I need to touch upon how AIDS has been affecting our world today. If you live in the United States, you may know someone who has AIDS or HIV or you may not even believe that AIDS exist but know that in third world countries, like Haiti and Africa, AIDS is a major dilemma for its population. Since there's no vaccines, people die daily due to lack of education and medical help and, even with help and vaccines, they cannot handle the medicine because they don't have the food for strength to fully utilize the medicine.

Learn more about AIDS: AIDS Awareness.

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."
-Mahatma Gandhi

Maybe I'm just Un-boyfriend-able

I am addicted to True Blood and Special A.

Procrastination is the worst; she won't leave me alone to do work.

--Disgruntled face--

Failing Miserably at Trying

I'm trying to not feel down because of everything because I know if I try harder, I'll eventually prevail.

Freeman-Asia Scholarship, a pretty fucking good scholarship, is no longer going to be available for the Summer 2009. Something something about the economy being bad and how they have no money, yada yada. Did they ever think about me? Did they ever ask me how I would feel since I am feeling pretty rotten at this moment!

Honestly, I wish I could scream out my frustration, but then people would think I'm more loony than I already come off as.

Finding a cheap way to study abroad equals ultimate fail.
Pertaining to job applying for the winter equals complete fail.

I'm serpentining through crowds of people at the mall and all I can think about is how can the economy be so shitty when there are hundreds of people shopping right now? Which leads to me thinking about why is the Freeman-Asia scholarship was cut out when there are these crowds--sweat mark inducing and too close for comfort crowds (how will I survive China?)--that are dutifully fulfilling their consumer role.

I am going to puke out the turkey, potatoes, squid, vegetables, fish, ham, red bean ice cream, and grapes I had yesterday due to anxiety.

"Hope" is the Thing with Feathers

"Hope" is the thing with feathers--
That perches in the soul--
And sings the tune--without the words--
And never stops -- at all--

And sweetest--in the gale--is heard--
And sore must be the storm--
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm--

I've heard it in the chillest land--
And on the strangest Sea--
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb--of Me.
-Emily Dickinson

I feel a sense of relief at reading this.

ROAD TRIP! But not really

American and Asian songs permeates through the cracks of the window, eliciting definite impressions on anyone who passes by. To the left and to the right, there are shoulders to be leaned on, it's nice to have boys at my command. haha.

I left at 9:40 AM from my dorm and arrived home at 6:45 PM. Of course the traffic and amazing hair cut -Flushing driving was a major mistake- did partake in this elongated journey. But the important factor is that I have great hair now; also, I am home.





I was like "WTF" during the time I was viewing these.

Media Corrupts

I was never really interested into Binghamton's singing capella and accapella groups, but, since the Asian relief charity, I think it takes a lot of courage, practice, and talent to stand in front of people to perform. It's intense to be able to perform well and make people laugh.

So next term, I want to watch the Binghamtonics, Binghamton's Crosbys (apparently national finalists and have performed in lincoln center and other impressive places), and Treble makers (but I must admit Treble makers are okay except for two girls).

The Binghamtonics


Do you ever notice how attractive someone becomes when they have a talent? I think dancing and singing is extremely adorable, but, then again, I think everything is endearing. What can I say, I'm easily pleased, at least on the surface.

Plus-random thought- Miley Cyrus is not Hollywood worthy.

Typical Science. vs. God Banter

"Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."

The other night, I stayed up until 3:00 AM trying to prove that humans do not know everything and that there is the possibility of God. However, my friend, a complete cynic, believes that Science and Math can prove everything and that God DEFINITELY does not exist. If you have ever argued with someone who does not believe in God at all, then you'll understand how hard it is to reason with them. He was very close minded to things, only accepting what his eyes saw or what his teachers taught him. I wasn't even trying to prove God existed; I was trying to say that there is no evidence saying that God does exist and there is no evidence that God does not exist; therefore, one cannot say that God definitely does not exist.

Okay, put your thinking caps on because our verbal argument got pretty intense. He kept using various science/math theories and what not to support his side. I tried to use a simple common sense reasoning with a sprinkle of some Philosophy (aka if this is this and thus that is that haha) as rebuttals because I don't know as much Science as him (biology and engineering), even if I am taking Chemistry.

The only way to really get at someone is to get them to agree step by step until you corner them into thinking something they did not realize. This did not work well for me, even though it should have, because every little thing I said he would deny.

I said that human perception has a slight percent in error. He thought I was talking about individual person's error and how that can be fixed by numerous tests. I said that I was not talking about individual interception, but humans as a whole. What if what we know is not actually what is? Lamp may not be a lamp even if scientists prove it through observations and tests because certain facts may be beyond human comprehension, but, of course, he couldn't believe this. He responded that it is not possible because human error can be fixed. We kept going around in a bloody circle.

Then I said that facts are not facts. He said facts are facts. Well, if facts are modified or changed in any way, then how can they be facts? Are not facts forever? Do they not stay true before, now, and in the future? Are not facts TRUTH? I was trying to show that humans do not know Everything because if theories and facts are modified, then anything can be changed. Hence, we are fallible, and do make mistakes and do not know the Truth. He denies all of this by saying if Fact 1 is modified then it becomes Fact 2. But I was saying if Fact 1 changes to become Fact 2, then it cannot be a fact because it is true only for this time, it might be modified again.

From this, if I ever got an agreement with my side of the argument, then I would say that if humans do not know everything, then they cannot know for sure if God or any super natural events or existences do not exist because it is beyond human capacity. Also, I looked up famous scientists who believed in religion and some still believed in God even when discovering multiple constants and theories. How does he explain how his favorable and intellectual scientists believe in God?

But, in the end, he had the audacity to say he obviously won the argument and that I had no proof for anything. This really frustrates me when people are only thinking about what they can see or prove. Life and nature is too complex for humans to understand to the fullest extent. Science allows us to understand and work with ourselves and nature, but it is not everything that we know.

Real intellectual scientists would understand that religion and science are not separate entities but are part of a larger frame, and are both needed to understand the individual's self.

Bias, difficult and stubborn, needs to be smacked into place.

God works in Mysterious Ways

I've been trying to avoid two people in the building because of some nasty things they have said about people; therefore, I'm not too fond of them at this particular moment. But today I see them everywhere, at the printer, on my way to class, and in the laundry room. IT'S ONLY MIDDAY!

I don't like being forced to make small talk and smile when I know they have been commenting on my life, my roommate's and another friend's.

However, I realized that even though I come to dislike someone, I cannot rid my first impression of them. For example, my uncle who broke up my mom's side of the family, I abhor him; yet, I cannot bring myself to mentally support what I know I should feel. I should hate him, but I do not. I can't bring myself to hate someone who I jested with for so long; someone who has tried to look out for me. I used to believe that their misdeeds would counteract all the good deeds, but it doesn't. They have hidden sins-not so hidden anymore-but I cannot bring myself to see who they have developed into.

I just returned from the laundry room. AGAIN, someone has taken out my clothes from the washer, and that someone is friends with my friend. Luckily, he only took my clothes out of one washer. Luckily, I tried to make small talk and even out the damage I did at the beginning of the year. Of course, he doesn't remember me acting creepy in the elevator.

Me and my big mouth.

Failure is the best way to achieve Success

I haven't been doing as well as I should be in my academic life, perhaps because my social life has stepped up a couple of notches. It's a bit difficult when a billion people rampage into my dorm on a daily basis. For example, the other day, my roommate's boyfriend came in-my roommate wasn't back yet-and flipped on the T.V. to watch South Park. Of course I glared at him, but eventually I gave up studying for Chemistry, and watched Mr. Tweek and the gnomes that stole underwear.

Yesterday, I felt like a big failure. Anxiety bubbled up, and I felt nervous and fidgety to get things done. Even though, I was restless and annoyed with myself, I felt I needed this. For the past month, I have been slacking off; nothing really pushed me. So failure is good for me because it makes me angry. It makes me want to try harder.

This reminds me of what my Psychology teacher spoke about. How some people blame the subject and believe that they aren't good at Math or Science of English; however, people like me always account our failures to lack of effort. Thus, I just need to try harder.

Teen lives 4 months with no heart, leaves hospital

By RASHA MADKOUR, Associated Press Writer Rasha Madkour, Associated Press Writer Wed Nov 19, 4:29 pm ET

MIAMI – D'Zhana Simmons says she felt like a "fake person" for 118 days when she had no heart beating in her chest. "But I know that I really was here," the 14-year-old said, "and I did live without a heart."

As she was being released Wednesday from a Miami hospital, the shy teen seemed in awe of what she's endured. Since July, she's had two heart transplants and survived with artificial heart pumps — but no heart — for four months between the transplants.

Last spring D'Zhana and her parents learned she had an enlarged heart that was too weak to sufficiently pump blood. They traveled from their home in Clinton, S.C. to Holtz Children's Hospital in Miami for a heart transplant.

But her new heart didn't work properly and could have ruptured so surgeons removed it two days later.

And they did something unusual, especially for a young patient: They replaced the heart with a pair of artificial pumping devices that kept blood flowing through her body until she could have a second transplant.

Dr. Peter Wearden, a cardiothoracic surgeon at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh who works with the kind of pumps used in this case, said what the Miami medical team managed to do "is a big deal."

"For (more than) 100 days, there was no heart in this girl's body? That is pretty amazing," Wearden said.

The pumps, ventricular assist devices, are typically used with a heart still in place to help the chambers circulate blood. With D'Zhana's heart removed, doctors at Holtz Children's Hospital crafted substitute heart chambers using a fabric and connected these to the two pumps.

Although artificial hearts have been approved for adults, none has been federally approved for use in children. In general, there are fewer options for pediatric patients. That's because it's rarer for them to have these life-threatening conditions, so companies don't invest as much into technology that could help them, said Dr. Marco Ricci, director of pediatric cardiac surgery at the University of Miami.

He said this case demonstrates that doctors now have one more option.

"In the past, this situation could have been lethal," Ricci said.

And it nearly was. During the almost four months between her two transplants, D'Zhana wasn't able to breathe on her own half the time. She also had kidney and liver failure and gastrointestinal bleeding.

Taking a short stroll — when she felt up for it — required the help of four people, at least one of whom would steer the photocopier-sized machine that was the external part of the pumping devices.

When D'Zhana was stable enough for another operation, doctors did the second transplant on Oct. 29.

"I truly believe it's a miracle," said her mother, Twolla Anderson.

D'Zhana said now she's grateful for small things: She'll see her five siblings soon, and she can spend time outdoors.

"I'm glad I can walk without the machine," she said, her turquoise princess top covering most of the scars on her chest. After thanking the surgeons for helping her, D'Zhana began weeping.

Doctors say she'll be able to do most things that teens do, like attending school and going out with friends. She will be on lifelong medication to keep her body from rejecting the donated heart, and there's a 50-50 chance she'll need another transplant before she turns 30.

For now, though, D'Zhana is looking forward to celebrating another milestone. On Saturday, she turns 15 and plans to spend the day riding in a boat off Miami's coast.