Something is bothering me but I can't put my finger on it. I feel a little trapped.

Dream:

I was dreaming about zombies (?), strangers and I were trying to fight them off with technology. I can barely remember what happened, but in the second part of the dream (the society was reset and people were alive again), three of them came after us. I tried to kill them, but they wouldn't die. I pushed them over a railing that's three floors up, but they stood back up from the ground and continued to come after me.

It wasn't as scary as it sounds. Damn zombie class.

I wish I could show you how beautiful life is.

Without even feeling lost, I still feel lost. All this partying is fun, but at the same time, it's so meaningless. Or maybe I'm feeling trapped, trapped by social standards that make no sense, trapped by Facebook and college weekends that promote that if you're not out drinking and partying then you're wasting your life away.

Old Dream:
Dino is dancing with a blonde girl and I walk away because I just don't care anymore. He knows I don't care and he gets riled up, angry and upset to the point of violence. I get away and run to the attic where the Betas are. They block him from me and he's slamming his fists against the opening. They try to calm him down, but nothing works. I do ridiculous things like grab a cutting board just in case he wants to stab me with a knife, because obviously a cutting board will protect me. And a Beta tells me to go talk to him because he won't calm down. I go to him and I feel waves of anger rolling off of him. But when he sees me, he calms down immediately and leaves.

He always does to me. In the real and dream world.

AWP moment with Joyce Carol Oates:

I'm sitting with maybe a couple of hundred people and I can barely see her face. She's reading from her memoir and she's speaking about her husband dying and how she was dealing with it. And I can't tell if I was the only one, but I was definitely tearing because even though everything else at AWP felt completely pointless, being there in her presence and absorbing her words made the trip worthwhile. Being around genuine people is such a pleasure. People willing to give strangers their story, their creations...what a wonder.

I want to be outside where the sky is clear and the wind is blowing and I'm free--at least for a little while.

I have an urge to write.

Dream:
I'm walking with Turtle again and he's leading me to this Asian party and somehow I lose him and I wander around the area trying to find him. Someone calls me and I think it's him and somehow I find my way back to him, but he's sitting next to all these other Asian people, though I end up sitting next to him anyways.

There's a giant octopus and I have to run into a mansion or castle so that the tentacles won't get me. It's an elaborate maze inside, almost like the Hogwarts, and I find myself in the depth of it. There's a school table and people are there at the very center of it---

I'm in bed in a house that might be familiar to me. I see Turtle and his friend. He starts to hug me and smile.

Every time I dream about you, you leave me with this warm feeling. It makes me content and I don't want to wake up just yet.

Dream:
Turtle and I were talking while we were strolling around the neighborhood.

My dad opened an ice cream shop and I was switching trains to get somewhere, speeding to get there.

Why is that every time I dream about you, it's always good? You always get back to me in my dreams (though not in reality) and you always leaves me with this positive feeling that I try to hold onto but then Time sneaks away with it.

I'm confused per usual.

Dream:
Dino is my roommate. He's in the shower, but I'm in the closet with a friend talking about him. I have a flashback, a friend took a picture of us together and it's up on facebook. As usual, he's hugging me like everything is okay, but my hand is on my mouth so I won't start to cry. Then the friend who took the picture comments on how cute we are together and plans to hook us up, but I don't get a chance to tell her that we won't work. He doesn't want me.

When I explain this to the friend in the closet, Dino returns from the shower and I don't want to miss this chance to see him because even in my dreams, chances of seeing him are slim. I open the door and there he is changing into a long-sleeved shirt. He's ready to leave, as usual. He's talking about all the things he needs to do and, again, I feel like he's so far out of reach when he's right in front of me.

Even in dreams, we are not meant to be.

God, I think I give up.

You say I'm selfish but you broke me with yours.

"No, Joe Dagget," said she, "I'll never marry any other
man as long as I live. I've got good sense, an' I ain't
going to break my heart nor make a fool of myself; but I'm
never going to be married, you can be sure of that. I ain't
that sort of a girl to feel this way twice."

A New England Nun by Mary Freeman