Is anything real, I get dizzy sometimes

Sometimes when I wake up, I start fantasizing of what could be and what could have been. Sometimes I still think about you, Dionel. I think about the beginning, when everything was new and strange. I wonder if I did this or that differently, maybe it could have worked out, but really, I don't think we would have worked in anyway. It just would have spiraled into a more intense and disturbing thing, more so than how it was--if possible.

I understand now that I had to get hurt. I have to learn to let myself get hurt. And yes, you really hurt me. I'm still reeling at how it's possible for someone to hurt someone else like this... and to think that other people are hurting worse than this, people who were actually in love.

I think about that day when I saw you, after the summer, you said that God must be angry with us because he wouldn't approve of us doing whatever we were doing. And I looked at you, confused, because all I could think of was, how could God be mad at this? I looked at you lying in my bed, with the Christmas lights casting a pink glow, and thought how could God disapprove of me following my heart? How could this be wrong?

And I think about that day I came to you after the winter break. You were so intense, so upset and angry at me. You just wanted to use and discard me, right? But when you were kissing me, I asked you if you missed me. I grabbed your face with both of my hands, feeling your stumble for the last time, and asked you softly, "Did you miss me?". You jerked your head and said that you didn't want to do this right now. That we should do this later when we're cuddling, but didn't you realize how similar we were? That I knew when you were lying to me. I kept grabbing your face before you could kiss me and kept asking if you did, and finally, you whispered in a strangled voice that you did. It was so low that I thought I imagined it.

Now he saw another elephant emerge from the place where it had stood hidden in the trees. Very slowly it walked to the mutilated body and looked down. With its sinuous trunk it stroked the huge corpse; then it reached up, broke some leafy branches with a snap, and draped them over the mass of torn thick flesh.

Finally it tilted its massive head, raised its trunk, and roared into the empty landscape. Jonas had never heard such a sound. It was a sound of rage and grief and it seemed never to end.
-The Giver by Lois Lowry

Dream:
There was a black cat on my window sill, and the second time I looked again, there were two. They were so beautiful; they had this soft black fur and gentle quality to them that I was drawn to feed them. When I fed them, they came to me. I could tell they liked me.

I had a much more vague dream that there was a killer in a random house that I was in. But I can't seem to draw anymore details other than that.