Without even feeling lost, I still feel lost. All this partying is fun, but at the same time, it's so meaningless. Or maybe I'm feeling trapped, trapped by social standards that make no sense, trapped by Facebook and college weekends that promote that if you're not out drinking and partying then you're wasting your life away.
Old Dream:
Dino is dancing with a blonde girl and I walk away because I just don't care anymore. He knows I don't care and he gets riled up, angry and upset to the point of violence. I get away and run to the attic where the Betas are. They block him from me and he's slamming his fists against the opening. They try to calm him down, but nothing works. I do ridiculous things like grab a cutting board just in case he wants to stab me with a knife, because obviously a cutting board will protect me. And a Beta tells me to go talk to him because he won't calm down. I go to him and I feel waves of anger rolling off of him. But when he sees me, he calms down immediately and leaves.
He always does to me. In the real and dream world.
AWP moment with Joyce Carol Oates:
I'm sitting with maybe a couple of hundred people and I can barely see her face. She's reading from her memoir and she's speaking about her husband dying and how she was dealing with it. And I can't tell if I was the only one, but I was definitely tearing because even though everything else at AWP felt completely pointless, being there in her presence and absorbing her words made the trip worthwhile. Being around genuine people is such a pleasure. People willing to give strangers their story, their creations...what a wonder.
I want to be outside where the sky is clear and the wind is blowing and I'm free--at least for a little while.
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