WHY AM I BACK AT BING? I'M SO DONE WITH SCHOOL!

When Saturday comes around in my neighborhood, all I hear is loud music pumping. A part of me wishes I was a part of it, but then the other part wants to keep home a quiet haven. I don't want any drama. I'm not in fucking junior high school anymore.

What goes around, comes around.
What goes up, must come down.
It's called Karma baby.

-Alicia Keys

Gurpreet, you unconsciously restore my faith in men.

I'm wearing your ring mom. You and I would have had such a funky fashion.

You should bask in the sun.

Buffy: Okay, I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming whatever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and... maybe one day I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat--- or enjoy warm, delicious cookie me, then, that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done.
Angel: Any thoughts on who might enjoy... do I have to go with the cookie analogy?

R: For the record, our encounter didn't exactly change my world.
Faith: You're tripping! That was rock 'em, sock 'em!
R: Oh, no, no, no. It was nice enough, you know, and you're very... um, enthused, and I think with a little more experience--
Faith: Dude, I got mad skills.
R: Yeah, of course.

Xander: Smack-down on Red Riding Hood. This could get ugly.
Giles: Could it possibly get any uglier? I used to be a highly respected Watcher, and now I'm a wounded dwarf with the mystical strength of a doily.

"We attack the mayor with hummus."
-Seth Green in Buffy

I've been watching Buffy most of the day, and a new goal of mine is to learn kickboxing or TKD. I can imagine myself, in a warm atmosphere of course, pummeling a punching bag. I remember really wanting one when I was younger, when I was angry with circumstances. Plus, it would be a great way to keep fit and have the ability to kick some guy's ass!

On a completely different note, I kind of, sort of, want nice nails. I always see Buffy kicking ass with these perfectly manicured nails, but in reality, how do women even grab anything without breaking them? It's sort of a hassle and an enigma.

In addition, as I was watching Buffy, I asked myself: What the fuck am I doing with my life? I am wasting my life away (I might be saying this because I had too much rest and I haven't been doing anything productive in the last three to four days).

I cannot wait to move out somewhere warm and really just give it my all. I NEED TO GET OUT.

Don't tell me I'm beautiful. It's cheap.

Jonathan Carroll's Blog

"Somewhere someone is thinking of you. Someone is calling you an angel. This person is using celestial colors to paint your image. Someone is making you into a vision so beautiful that it can only live in the mind. Someone is thinking of the way your breath escapes your lips when you are touched. How your eyes close and your jaw tightens with concentration as you give pleasure a home. These thoughts are saving a life somewhere right now. In some airless apartment on a dark, urine stained, whore lined street, someone is calling out to you silently and you are answering without even being there. So crystalline. So pure. Such life saving power when you smile. You will never know how you have cauterized my wounds. So sad that we will never touch. How it hurts me to know that I will never be able to give you everything I have."

Henry Rollins

"So, my little Amélie, your bones aren't made of glass.
You can take life's knocks. If you let this chance go by,
eventually, your heart will become as dry and brittle
as my skeleton. So, go ahead, dammit!"

-Amélie

These are the things I am grateful for:

The way a toilet paper roll can unravel;
The taste of my aunt's cooking;
The way my father makes fun of me;
The way I can tell all my secrets to Day;
The way I can slug Jo around to eat and play;
The small frame of my grandmother;
The way the sun hits all the children in the playground;
The little texts Alice sends me;
The way I can still reach into the past;
The way glass feels when it's cold;
The way laughter and sleep can erase away the hopelessness.

A piece of peace

I imagine myself lying out on a picnic blanket, feeling the imprint of each blade of grass, and the light from the sun is playing on my eyelids. The warmth of your arm under my head steadies my thoughts like an anchor for a boat, and your breath hits my skin; I can smell the chocolate you ate 5 minutes ago.

And now I'm revitalized again, even if it's only a fantasy.

I'm losing hope in humanity.

I wonder if a man comprehends how much pain he is capable of giving, and I wonder if a woman knows how much hurt she is capable of taking.

In Chapter Three of Hall’s Jungian Psychology he says, "Sleep provides an opportunity for a descent into the unconscious and for the manifestations of the unconscious in dreams. Unfortunately, modern man does not pay sufficient attention to the power and wisdom of dreams" (75).

Sometimes dreams are the only thing I can count on.

mindless zombies after all

Jung said that we're all trying to find oneness, to find our true Self, a longing to become. In order to know thyself, to make the Self more real, to self realize, we need to look into our dreams and into the actions we do.

My professor says that by living, we see what our Self is. We don't know who we are until we live our life because to live answers the question of what we're searching for. By living, we can finally ask the question.

Something is bothering me but I can't put my finger on it. I feel a little trapped.

Dream:

I was dreaming about zombies (?), strangers and I were trying to fight them off with technology. I can barely remember what happened, but in the second part of the dream (the society was reset and people were alive again), three of them came after us. I tried to kill them, but they wouldn't die. I pushed them over a railing that's three floors up, but they stood back up from the ground and continued to come after me.

It wasn't as scary as it sounds. Damn zombie class.

I wish I could show you how beautiful life is.

Without even feeling lost, I still feel lost. All this partying is fun, but at the same time, it's so meaningless. Or maybe I'm feeling trapped, trapped by social standards that make no sense, trapped by Facebook and college weekends that promote that if you're not out drinking and partying then you're wasting your life away.

Old Dream:
Dino is dancing with a blonde girl and I walk away because I just don't care anymore. He knows I don't care and he gets riled up, angry and upset to the point of violence. I get away and run to the attic where the Betas are. They block him from me and he's slamming his fists against the opening. They try to calm him down, but nothing works. I do ridiculous things like grab a cutting board just in case he wants to stab me with a knife, because obviously a cutting board will protect me. And a Beta tells me to go talk to him because he won't calm down. I go to him and I feel waves of anger rolling off of him. But when he sees me, he calms down immediately and leaves.

He always does to me. In the real and dream world.

AWP moment with Joyce Carol Oates:

I'm sitting with maybe a couple of hundred people and I can barely see her face. She's reading from her memoir and she's speaking about her husband dying and how she was dealing with it. And I can't tell if I was the only one, but I was definitely tearing because even though everything else at AWP felt completely pointless, being there in her presence and absorbing her words made the trip worthwhile. Being around genuine people is such a pleasure. People willing to give strangers their story, their creations...what a wonder.

I want to be outside where the sky is clear and the wind is blowing and I'm free--at least for a little while.