If I could, I wouldn't move from my bed. The silence and the support of my body is comforting.

I never thought I would be in a position where I hurt so bad that I couldn't even speak about it. All I could do was call Dayana up and make her talk, so that I could forget about it. It worked.

Again, I'm so grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. Truly.

It's hitting me like a bag of bricks that I will be graduating next year. That this will be the last time I register for classes, that this will be the last chance to take courses with some amazing teachers that I once had and will only have once.

I want to say more, so much more, but to think about it breaks my heart. There's so many teachers I wish I could hug and say thank you a million times to.

Nymphomaniac.

I dreamt that I was in a department store and a T-rex was walking around me and I had to feed it shit and walk around cautiously; otherwise, it would chase me and eat me. I was surrounded by a bunch of other dinosaurs too. Fucking hilarious.

I want to hold onto this detachment for a while; please don't leave me vulnerable.

My posts, as of late, are hollow, mere abstracts of what I'm feeling and thinking. I wish I had a wand to put my thoughts into this blog.

To many of you,

Don't ever let yourself doubt that you are worth more than the world.

Love,

I'm banging my head against the desk and my breath smells like onions from eating Five Guys.

The summary of my undergraduate career.

I would like to crawl into a hole and read.

I really don't want to be here right now.

Can't I just kiss you? Just for a second.

I need SLEEP.

Timer (2009)

Mikey: If I'm a pussy, I'm about to have the best lesbian sex of my life in there.

I want to snuggle and breathe you in.

I was in shotgun seat while Brianna was driving on Saturday; we were driving to Apple Hills to go apple picking, and Anum and Tara sat in the back. The day was absolutely beautiful, perfect. Clear blue sky, a slight breeze, and the sun, voluminous, warmed us to the core.

There was a moment when Brianna played Florence and The Machine's Cosmic Love, and all of us were quiet. Bri was driving on these long-winded suburban roads and the trees were awash with autumn colors and the music vibrated as it played...it was a moment that we all needed.

WHY THINGS BURN

by Daphne Gottlieb


You told me you like my mouth.
You want to kiss me.
My mouth is a wound and you
want to kiss me.
But you’re like
that: You want to go
leaping over cliffs—
you want to go
drinking poison
and then write pretty poems about it—
and all I want to do is
fuck you.
You want flowers and sonnets and us
to be together until the end of the world and I’d
just like a blow job, I’d just like
to be friends.
that’s what I’d really like.
Something warm and snuggly like a friendship.
and to fuck you.
The flowers are going to die and the cliffs are
going to erode and we might as well go fuck
since we’re going to anyway.
We’ll fuck and fight and eat and drink and smoke and fuck and smoke and fuck and
get married
And in six months from now
we’ll stop making the world stop
to fuck each other
and one year from now
I’ll get fat and you’ll go bald and
I’ll take prozac and you’ll take viagra
I’ll get obsessed with my biological clock
and my career
and you’ll get obsessed with your hairline
and your career
and two years from now
you’d rather watch reruns than fuck me
and I’d rather be drinking than fuck you
so we’ll drink in separate bars and one night
someone who likes my mouth will buy me a drink
that drink will be attached to a hand
there will be a human holding that drink
the kind with ears
and I will tell whoever it is
all about you
and how we used to forget to eat when we were in bed for three days
and your ears will be burning across town
where you are telling whoever it is how I don’t understand you
and two years from now, that girl with that drink
she will nod that yes that I am nodding at you tonight
that nod, that yes that means you’re not coming home
because just for a second the world has gone away
because just for a second there’s someone who understands you
and that night it will be her pretty mouth you want
and that night I will pass out at home, alone
with a bottle that reminds me of us
because it’ll be empty
because it’ll be gone
I will pass out waiting for you
to come
home
listening to country music—and I hate
country music—
but I’ll be feeling tragic
it’ll be the most romantic moment
I’ve ever had and
I’ll be alone
and you’ll be across town
with that girl who right now is in high school
and right now I just met you
and right now I think you should take me home and fuck me
because it only gets uglier from here
we only get uglier from here
so take me to the edge of that cliff you love
and pour me a shot of your silky poison
you can take this mouth
this wound you want
but you can’t kiss
and make it
better.

Amen- "So be it."

A what-if doesn't amount to much, does it?

Here I am, a rabbit hearted girl
Frozen in the headlights
It seems I've made the final sacrifice

Florence and The Machine, you make me cry.

Words make reality more real; I dare not speak of it.

Man. No se.

Please don't judge me

Sometimes I wish I could stop thinking and stop everyone and their thoughts so that I may close my eyes and follow my heart and enter your room and slide myself underneath your arm and listen to your snores and think that, even for that one moment, maybe maybe it could work and that you would realize that I'm worth it and that things would be okay.

Of course. This is complete fantasy.

I still remember when Day wrote me a letter (can't remember about which guy) and included this quote:

Margaret Mitchell
I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken, and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken pieces as long as I lived.

Funny. God. Real funny.

It's okay because I forgive you (though you should forgive me). And I was laughing along.

This is not the post I originally intended to write, rather this is now a post to keep me strong.

Finally, a good night.

I deserve this one night

I'm going to go to the Drake concert, get drunk tonight, and have a blast.

I'm going to push all my worries, all my hurt, all of everything back and live it up.