At the Cusp

Lately, I haven't been having any revelations or moving thoughts; hence, the one-liners and quotes (I've been drawing from other author's deepness). But the end of the year deserves one.

The other day, I walked down with Numz and Fe, and sat in the courtyard between the New Union and the library; no one was around (the library even closed on our asses). I don't really understand why, but I automatically zoned out.

Last year, I sat in the same area with someone that I was completely infatuated with. It was us two, and it was sunny as it was the other day, and I remember thinking it would be nice to be married to him. I remember touching his tattoo, thinking how surreal things were. It's funny how things work out. The story of my life is that I always know that things will come to an end; I anticipate it. Yet, anticipating something doesn't mean that it'll diminish the pain and the disappointment.

This year, I could have gone to a recognition ceremony. I promised myself I would go because I missed the end-of-the-semester show. But I couldn't bring myself to go; even if I was sick, the only thing keeping me from going was still myself. I couldn't bring myself to see him sing. I couldn't bring myself to face this, to fall back into whatever I was in. I lied in bed listening to music regretting every minute that I wasn't going to go see seniors. But I just couldn't.

Maybe it's because I'm bad at goodbyes. Really, really bad at goodbyes.

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Seniors officially graduated yesterday and it didn't really hit me until Anum hugged me and said she was leaving. As she said those words, my head was in the nook of her neck and her hair was brushing against my cheek and I couldn't help but start to tear.

I was waiting for that moment, waiting for that moment where all the sentiments built up and I would just cry. So I did. She kept saying that I was faking it and at first I thought that maybe I was forcing myself to cry, but once I started, I couldn't stop. I started to bawl into her shoulder as she held me tighter, telling me not to. But a year without Taco and Numz, how could I not?

Not to lessen her importance in my life, but I was crying for everyone and everything too. I was crying for all the seniors that took care of me (from Regina and Mike to Bri and Brandon) the ones I always looked up to, grateful for their presence . I was crying because next year I will be leaving. I was crying because Saratoga's 103 suite will be empty. No posters, no pictures, no lights, no stolen goods, no food, no laughter, no alcholic drinks, no boys who were supposed to sleep on the fucking couch--no excitement! No more running into each other's room to talk, lying around in each other's beds complaining about how lazy we are--we were such lazy fucks. No more cooking together and no more touching each other inappropriately. No more open confessions about our fears and no more hysterical giggling during late (late) night snacking to power hour with Key Stone (gross) to sleeping on Tom's couch with tatter tots, pistachios, and almonds (sorry Tom Tom). No more grinding with each other at the Rat, Scoreboard, LUL's house, Saratoga, Pods...anywhere. No more Thirstdays! That is the saddest part. No more Thirstdays.

I'm unbelievably blessed that I was able to be a part of this family of superheroes: Mei-Ling, Jya Jya from Sweden, NuNu and Maria Garcia. Junior year will definitely be the highlight of my college career.