paraNOia

Z100 brings me back to the 90s.
Z100 brings me back to where the wind is whipping my hair and the scenery is ever changing. When I hear the music from this station, I get this calming, yet sorrowful, feeling of life. It leaves a bittersweet tang in my mouth.

"Is it possible, finally, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another?

We can invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person, but in the end, how close are we able to come to that person's essence? We convince ourselves that we know the other person well, but do we really know anything important about anyone?"
-Haruki Murakami

I hate when people use sly tactics to get to me, though clever, not clever enough.

I tire of what you show me

"Diamonds are magic, she said, and this is why women wear them on their fingers, as a sign of the magic of womanhood. Men have strength, Miss Ferenczi said, but no true magic. That is why men fall in love with women but women do not fall in love with men: they just love being loved."
Gryphon by Charles Baxter

Speeding through books that are due and nonrenewable; damn the request system!

"I will tell you one more story," she said, "and then we will have to do arithmetic." She leaned over, and her voice grew soft. "There is no death," she said. "You must never be afraid. Never. That which is, cannot die. It will change into different earthly and unearthly elements, but I know this as sure as I stand here in front of you, and I swear it: you must not be afraid. I have seen this truth with these eyes. I know it because in a dream God kissed me. Here." And she pointed with her right index finger to the side of her head, below the mouth where the vertical lines were carved into her skin.
Charles Baxter

If you cook, then you know how to wash dishes.

Mixed Night

I find that I am more comfortable with people much older than with any other people.

Richard Yates' short story was excellent.

Cut Me Some Slack

"I miss them so much I go crazy," said William. "I start thinking I'm going to disappear, you know, just vanish, if I'm not home. Sometimes I worry their love is the only thing that makes me human, you know? I think if they stopped loving me, I might burn up, spontaneously combust, and turn into little pieces of oxygen and hydrogen and carbon." Ten Little Indians by Sherman Alexie

From a sermon from a Praise Night: Be a thermostat and not a thermometer, for a thermometer tells the temperature of the room, but a thermostat changes the temperature.

For Dorks are Endearing; I Teared When Dumbledore Died Though I Already Knew

"There was a different quality about her, as if the Emily he had known, clean, precise, good Emily, were sleeping inside and this destructive, mindless, vindictive machine had taken over." Shadow Dance by Angela Carter

So apparently, it might take more than a summer to get over you; somehow this brings a slight smile to my face because I expected as much.

Hey, I Dig Fashion

Here's to indulging in art and fashion. Hear hear!

The Normal Ear

Guess which one is my new piercing.

Slash the Walls with Your Spoon

So I do agree with women when they say Asians, or all men, should be more direct in what they want, to be brave and just go for it.

I respect a male who can step up and take things into their hands, such as asking me out. However, I get kind of slightly flustered and stunned when I am asked out because it's like, trust me you don't want to get involved with me. Additionally, I don't want to get involved with anyone at all. I prefer someone to get to know me in a platonic sense, be my friend, a real friend, before jumping the gun to romance me. Prepare yourself and get to know someone in friendship terms before you jump to the next level; it's called research/studying for that unknown test that everyone else has continuously failed in the past. Friendship, as in knowing my worst personality traits and accepting them, taking them in stride, taking my ever-evolving personality in stride.

I'm attracted to people for different reasons because I appreciate various attributes, but I lose interest fairly quickly.

I'm tired of summer what-nots. It's a joke; it's a distraction. For neither am I bubbly nor am I kind.

Don't accept what you see to be what it is. Give me something different, something unique. Teach ME something, let me gain something in the sense that I grow from whatever we have.

Fling a Ding a Ding

You know what's attractive? Someone speaking their language fluently with that certain accent only a native can have.

Can people stop trying to set me up; it's embarrassing and annoying and hilarious, all wrapped up in one.

Psalm 6

A boy, 5 years of age, was lost on the corner near where I worked. Five to six police officers stood guarding him, trying to figure out who was his guardian. A brief but awful thought slipped past my mind, what if he was abandoned?

I wanted to push everyone away and take him, take him far away from prying eyes and incessant questions. Where do you live? What's your address? Where's your mom and dad? How old are you? Where do you go to school? Wherewhatwherehowwherewhatwhywhy?

I prayed with my heart for the first time in years in those pews, praying a prayer that diverged from the prayer that was being spoken. I whispered and plead to God, hoping that the little boy returned home safely. And if by chance he was abandoned, I pray now in these words that those officers will care for him.

O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony.

³ My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD, how long?

This was me; It is Well with My Soul

I've been particularly busy lately, being a triple threat and all (now I will explain what I meant a month ago). I'm "working", interning, and playing housewife--laundry, cleaning, and cooking--and handyman on the weekends. It's exhausting, but I enjoy the feeling of being productive and having something to occupy my time because when I'm not busy I get myself into trouble and think about nonsense.

Events aligned into various motions have plunged me back into past memories. Let's see if any of these events will make sense.

I returned from Target, but on the way I stopped to get cookies 'n' cream ice cream (cone of course) in front of Newtown Park. This reminded me of that time I sat in the park with Jon and we ate ice cream, listening to music and kidding around. This reminded me of that time when Kayi and Janice were at the same park late one night talking with me and drinking Bacardi ice (none of us and still aren't legal). This reminded me of the time I saw Zhan for the first time in years on Christmas and we sat on the swings talking. This reminded me of the times LiDaJo and I chattered and laughed in that park during times of struggles and during times of mischief. This reminded me that way way back I used to go to the park with Kitty, Hui, and "The FranZ Boys".

This reminded me of when I used to attend church and used to anticipate seeing Pastor Jim and everybody. This reminded me of August 11, 2003 when you, Ewa Kiang, died. It's been 6 years and over the years I've forgotten, dusted all the memories of church and of all the friends I made under a carpet of contempt and irritation; similar to an old picture covered in grit and grime.

The other day, I, by chance, saw Lester and Pastor Jim in front of the church. Pastor Jim was inquiring me again about why I don't attend anymore because once upon a time I was "a good Christian girl". What happened? All I could think of was that now I'm so liberal, so vulgar, so not the typical Christian girl. I can't bring to myself to walk back into a cage that I've been unconsciously fighting.

Then he mentioned how Lester and him were just talking about me and the hiking trip on August 11, 2004 to the mountain. All I could remember was the lemon squeezer and the dangerous steps. I forgot that the whole point was because we were mourning; we were mourning Ewa's death. I remember us at the top of the mountain; it rained, it poured, it purged. Kitty slept and Pastor Jim walked around checking things and, vaguely, how Lester was laughing (oh my gosh!).

...
I was listening to music at the place I work at, thinking that I didn't like their music, that I miss Newtown music. I miss the hymns, missing It Is Well With My Soul.

Saturday, August 16, 2003

The First Time I Met You, I Was In 5th Grade At Chinese School. And I Still Remember You Were In My Class. We Would Be Talking All The Time And Winking At Each Other As If We Were In Love. I Still Remember You Kept On Saying That I Lied This Girl Named Lisa In Our Class And You Kept Telling Her That I Liked Her. Just To Tell You, It Didn't Piss Me Off Cause It Was Funny And I Didn't Mind At All. When We Had Tests And Quizes, You WOuld Always Seem To Score Higher Than Me. For Some Reason, I Never Get To Beat You In Tests. After Chinese School, We Would Go Out And Hang Out At Parks Or Something. After That Chinese School Ended, I Didn't Get To See You Much. The Year After That, Chinese School Began And I Turned Out To Be In The Same Class With You Again. But The Teacher Thought I Was Realy Stupid So I Went Back To Second Grade And You Would Laugh At Me. Hahahaha... Yeah... It Was Funny. After Years Have Passed, We Met Again At Joycamp 2003. It Was Fun Seeing You With The Kids. After Joycamp, We Would Sometimes Go To Parks And Play Some Stuff. Speaking About Parks... I Remembered When I Played My Friends In Handball At Hoffman Park, You Came Up To Me And Said That I Was Good And Asked If I Could Teach You Someday. I Answered Back Saying Yes. And I'm So Sorry When I Never Got A Chance To Teach You. I'm Really Sorry. I'm Also Sorry I Teased You About The Stupid Food. I'm Really Really Sorry. When You Were In The Pond, I Was Back In My Room Cleaning My Clothes And I Should Have Been At The Pond With You To Watch Out For You. I'm So Sorry I Wasn't There. Now That You're Gone, Everything Has Just Been A Total Disaster. Everything We Do Are See Reminds Me Of You. On The Way Back Home... There Was An Empty Seat And It Was Just So Sad. Everytime I Go To Hoffman And Play Handball, It Reminds Me Of You Asking Me To Teach You. I'm Just So Sorry That Things Have To Be This Way. At Least Your With God And Someday You'll Be Waiting For Me In Front Of The Gates Of Heaven. Someday We'll Meet Again... I Promise... Brother In Christ, Derek Chow Rest In Peace Ewa Kiang October 30, 1989 -- August 11, 2003 "I Lost A Good Friend And A Sister In Christ" P.S.- For Those Who Are Believe In God Or Is A Christian, Would You Please Pray For Her In Heaven.

Unfortunately, we move on; unfortunately and occasionally, we forget.

If I ever...

If I ever get a spare moment to myself, then yes, I will post something properly.

Play it up Maestro.

Abandonment

Abandonment?

dictionary.com's
to abandon:
-verb
to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert.

It's a human fallacy--is it?--for humans to abandon.
I wonder if this is true.
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My dad pinched my cheek at 5:30 AM because he wondered where I was last night...when I was in bed the whole time.
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Sore from intermittent running.
Lost 1 pound.
BUT gained 3 lbs from BBQing.
Such a vicious cycle!
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I really want a tattoo now. It's a family tradition now. Haha

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I get my wild side from my mom's side.

I miss my mom. No words imaginable can express how much I wish she was alive.

Independence

I suppose I should say something about today and the symbolism behind it and what it means, but I think others have already done that and I'll be honest, I have very rare and fleeting feelings of patriotism. However, I must say that America is better, better off, than a lot of other fucked up countries.

Off to BBQ

From Mayu:
"That book...waited here a long time for you... For years, for decades, for all time...it waited to come into your hands. Books decide the time, and they choose the person...This is fate..."

Need Some TLC & AGG & SC

Aggression and self control. Duh.

Randomness: Almost 5'5".

I need to reorganize my life.
I like being busy, so busy that I can just drop into sleep the instant I lie in bed. So busy that I don't have to think about the things missing in my life. So busy that I don't have time to think about people that aren't in close distance or aren't so easily contactable. So busy that I don't have to worry that I'm not doing anything productive because I'll be so busy. So busy that I hope I faint from exhaustion.

For that lecture we had yesterday or the other day: I' m grateful to be working with family. I'm grateful for earning much more than I expected. I'm grateful for the days I work and days I don't. I'm grateful for the nice luxuries that happen to be there, but I don't notice because I haven't not had them. I'm grateful for working again with people I know I will have a blast with.

In and before high school, this time of the year would feel like the beginning of the summer, but, now that I'm in college, I feel that summer is already coming to an end.

Okay. To be honest. I can't take any mean criticism...so instead of putting myself down about it, I just don't read the comments! I was about to link to the post of my made up Edward Cullen foodie blog, but I'd rather not. It's embarrassing as it is.

In love with Family Outing--I cried when Yejin and Chunhee left--and Sonny and Chad from Sonny with a Chance.

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I need a CDC. Career Development Center? NO! Chad Dillan Cooper!!

"He reached for her, a dangerous stranger in a city of dangerous strangers, but she turned away from him and walked unsteadily through the crowd. How many loveless people walk among the barely loved? She looked back once, and he thought to chase after her, but she shook her head, and again walked away from him. And he watched her until he couldn't see anymore."

Ten Little Indians by Alexie

I'll never get sick of Alexie.

Perhaps it is or isn't Hopelessness

I don't have the exact quote, but today reminded me of it. It resembled something like this, when you visit a place from the past finding it unchanged makes you realize how you much you've changed.

I dislike returning to places where I've once been because I feel like I'm going backwards, revisiting all the expected laughter and giddy times as well as the annoying hindrances and lackluster opportunities. Nostalgia should only happen when it's forced upon you and not when you choose on your own accord to return to it.

Thank God (for now) for the little changes that have made this summer quite different from the rest, distinguishing it from the past.

One particular thing I've learned, never ever get into ANYTHING with coworkers. It's such a hassle, too dramatic for words. I'll restrain myself this time of course; I'm tired of dealing with other people's shit.
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Tragedy? Tragedy is when you want to inherently help someone with something because you know they deserve the extra hand, but knowing that your immediate help will cause future problems and damage. You cannot NOT help them, but you know you shouldn't because you may be feeding into their self-destruction.

This is a debt I owe. A debt paid in Time (double entendre).