It's time to conquer my fears

Daddy buying me Sicilian pizza? Win!

Must be done (fo'rizzles)
-Purchase Chicago Manual
-Buy planner
-Go to free dance lessons
-Learn to drive idiot =(
-Get a job (!!!!!...!)

Adele, you are beautiful.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say: That's dynamite, baby.

-Jack Handy

"Falling in love with you was like being attacked by a shark. I didn’t know if I was supposed to stay still or swim away or punch you in the nose."

"You are woven into the fabric of my life like a zigzagging, wrong-colored thread. It ruins the whole pattern and it’s all I can see. But pulling it out would eff up the whole thing."

"I said I didn’t want to talk to you again. That was a test! You were supposed to call me until I caved."

dearoldlove.com

I should do more productive things.

CarrollBlog 1.18

Sometimes I'll be walking along and seeing something, instinctively think Gee, I wish X were here to see that. Or I wish X were here so we could see it together and talk about it afterwards. X can be a person I see every day and am intimate with, or someone I haven't seen in years and have no idea where they are or what they're doing now. But this thing is so THEM that more than anyone else, I want to share it with that specific person. More interesting still though is sometimes X is a person I haven't seen in a long time because I detest them. Yet my first instinctive reaction after seeing whatever is I wish X were here to see that.

Seclusion

Dream:
I was on a fast-moving boat that was traveling down rivers with chaotic water. We were trying to find something in a swamp in New Orleans. We were completely surrounded by nature.

Dream:
Last night I dreamt I was in this strange dimly-lit room. All my dreams have this dark tendency that sounds frightening, but perhaps because the dream is mine, I don't find it scary in the least. It was a long drawn out dream with lots of magic and strange characters. But one specific dream, I remember there were terrible people outside the large glass windows of the room and someone was lighting seven white candles to cast a spell. I could tell the spell had worked because once the candles were lit, these sparkling white lights surrounded them.

I also dreamt I was Lindsay Lohan and I guess in her dream (dream within a dream) she imagined this guy she really liked contacted her back. So I/she was talking in public with this interviewer, and the male she liked was standing nearby. She commented that she'll see him soon and he looked puzzled. I felt in her/my gut how disappointed and foolish she felt. I guess this dream was about you soup sipper.

Lily leaves for Boston tomorrow. I'll miss her company, but I think I'm ready to seclude myself from the world.

I went to a baby shower on my mom's side, and, of course, my dad and I arrived two hours late; I ended up sitting with uncles that I haven't seen in years.

I felt awkward at first because I didn't know how to act. I forget how to be social sometimes, but they were so friendly and humorous, it felt nice to bask in everyone's presence. For once, everyone was there (except one important cousin of mine) and I could feel all the laughter and love washing away the remnants of this terrible day.

It's been a long time since I held a baby in my arms; his weight caught me off guard. But when I held the baby boy, I felt, lamely put, complete. In the future, I look forward to getting married to that guy (whoever it may be) and having babies. After spending time with my uncles, they give me hope that it's possible to be happily married with kids.

My favorite part of the night was when my uncle held his baby in his arms. No one was paying attention to them, but I saw him touch his little feet and gently rub his head. His eyes softened and anyone who looked at him could tell how much he loved that baby.

Thank you God for these precious moments that I have with my family, my dad, and close friends. I know I can be self-centered and ignorant, but thank you for always guiding me back to what's truly important in life.

Dear Dinosaur,

I'm sorry we ended like this. I'm sorry I can't be okay and play nice. Even though it's for the best, I'm still sad to see you really go.

Today is for my mother, who gave birth to me and died protecting me.

"You must pray like everything depends on God, but work like everything depends on you."

baby steps

Reading Goodreads comments and quotes

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
— Marilyn Monroe

Waiting for it to rain.

I think I might know how it feels for someone to get a divorce. I obviously haven't been in that situation yet, nowhere close; however, I think on a minuscule level, I can sympathize. It must feel like a sinking boat that you wish you knew how to save.

The closer I draw you, the farther away you run. If I let you go, will you come to me?

CarrollBlog 06.15

"Be not bold, be fucking BOLD. Every time you meet someone, make a fucking impression. Make them think you're the hottest shit in the world. Make them think they're gonna lose their job if they don't give you one. Look 'em in the eye, and never look away. Be confident and calm, be fucking bold."

James Frey, MY FRIEND LEONARD

This is what I should have said to you

You're lonely. Don't bother to deny it. I know after a night of drinking and laughter, chasing after skirts, you return to the cool dimness of your room and close your eyes to sleep. You can't sleep though for two reasons: you didn't drink enough and you feel the loneliness circling in on you, surrounded by four white walls. But you don't really realize that it's loneliness, you think that it's something else. You think maybe it's because that girl at the bar with the cute pink dress was flirting back, making you smile, or maybe you finally realize how much work you have to get done tomorrow when you wake up.

But no, it's that quiet solitude that you enjoy so much, that solitude that you use to protect yourself from letting others find out who you truly are. You use it to keep others out so that when they leave you or when you leave them, you can lie to yourself and say you didn't care anyways. It's that quiet solitude that attempts to choke you and no matter how many girls you fuck, you won't be happy. You blame everything, that stupid ex that was talking to other guys or your mom who spoils you, making you think you deserve every goddamn thing that comes your way. And no matter what you do, unhappiness dogs your every step.

This is what I should have said to you, not because I wish this upon you but because I know, I know you'll always be lonely, clutching your heart away with both your hands, and I know you'll be unhappy, even if you have the perfect girl and the perfect life. It's in your desecrated blood.

my dreams are going berserk

Dream: Whirlpool, my grandmother, evil chariot, jumping off rock edge, too deep, dive to the death, other evil realm, pool disappears, scientists, evil unicorn appears, after me, run, hide, laundry room, going to die for sure.

Dream: Can't adopt because I'm adopted. My parents (that aren't my parents) didn't recognize me.

Dream: Spirits, fans turning on and off, holy water, time travel, ghost busters

Dream: Flying saucers

this is why I shouldn't skip praying

Dream:
A lady called me and I knew she was looking for me, but all she spoke was Spanish. She spoke so fast, I couldn't understand--not that I understand Spanish. I kept asking her habla ingles? Then all I remember is being in the house next to my old house in Brooklyn. God was mad at my family (my uncle) or at me, so he sent something celestial, but almost demonic, to punish whoever was in my old house. Throughout the entire dream, we were just anticipating it. It was completely silent, except for our rustling. I felt half-comforted that I was wearing my cross, but that didn't mean anything. Eventually, I forgot I had my cross and all this jewelry appeared. Rubies and sapphires on rings and necklaces. This man and I were rushing through them, trying to put on as many gaudy pieces as possible, deluding ourselves into thinking we can protect ourselves with it. Though I hate gaudy expensive jewelry to begin with.

Then I realized, when it was almost time, that I am a fool. I started to take off all the jewelry. Logically, God was going to punish me more if I had on all this stupid jewelry, that I just should take his punishment if whatever he sent was coming for us too. Then when the creature God sent finally came, all I heard were loud noises outside the house. I can't even describe what kind of noises they were, but they were retched and didn't exist in any scope of human life. I can only correlate some sounds to bones snapping and slaughter.

I was trying to figure out how frightening this creature was. I never saw it, but I could feel how unnatural and powerful it was. The closest thing I can imagine to it is Bahamut.

I finally manage to get off my ass and accompany my aunt to the hospital to check her status for medicare. My heart hurts to see how neglected people who don't speak English are. So many who are in need of health insurance have such a difficult time obtaining it. I wish I paid better attention to my Chinese upbringing and spoke my language fluently so that at the very least I could translate for Chinese folk.

I made a promise to God yesterday. I said that if I ever make it, if I ever make enough money and achieve my dream, I will go out of my way to help people. I promised God that if I had the opportunity that I won't slack anymore, that I'll work to the bone and make it.

Stop the slackin'

I learned something from my phone interview today...get up on the news.

I need to work on myself.

Do you think that love is that powerful?

Officially applied to two entry-level jobs and three internships.

At least I know I'm trying here.

I don't know how people do it. How do people pretend like they don't care when they obviously do?

I don't know how to not follow my heart.

"Love is lived in the now. Buy the dress now. Write the note now."

He stares at her while she's sleeping and touches the crease between her eyebrows. She wakes up and he asks, What is so harsh in your dream? She responds, Because you’re in my dreams. Are you not happy with me even in your dreams?, he asks. She says, Even so, come. Tomorrow and the day after tomorrow...

Secret Garden

I should just become a writer for young adults; I can write all sappy-like.

Cannot wait to have library dates with Lily and read trashy books. =)

I love the smell of rain.

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" was his response. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
-Lewis Carroll

Patience is not one of my qualities.

Why can't you just let me like you the way you deserve to be liked?

I don't know how to make it right between us.

So this is what I told Mao: In lieu of loving the world twice as hard, I care, in the end, about expressing my obdurate singularity at any cost. I love this hard and unyielding part of myself more than any other reward the world has to offer a newly brightened and ingratiating demeanor, and I will bear any costs associated with it.
Wesley Yang (NY Mag)

Dream:
I was at a bar in Binghamton, I think, and there was a guy I was with most of the time. He seemed significant, but I can't recall who he is. I see Gurpreet there and he's drunk. He kisses a guy and everyone is surprised. I leave with the guy I'm with and I want to stay with him, but then I see Gurpreet outside too and he's alone.

I decide to choose Gurpreet and ditch the other guy, but I feel guilty because I wanted to stay with whoever it was. He disappears and I'm alone with Gurpreet and we're going on a search for his sister? We find his mom, she starts driving and he unsteadily gets into his car. I see him driving in the wrong lane and then on the right lane. I realized I should get into the car with him. When he sees me get into the car, he's about to get out, but I say I don't know how to drive, so he stays. It's storming outside. There are dark clouds cast overhead and the wind is strong. I see his mom crash his car into a marsh near us.

Live with no regrets.

for all aspects of my life

Let me summarize my feelings toward Asian values: Fuck filial piety. Fuck grade-grubbing. Fuck Ivy League mania. Fuck deference to authority. Fuck humility and hard work. Fuck harmonious relations. Fuck sacrificing for the future. Fuck earnest, striving middle-class servility.
-Wesley Yang (NY Mag)

Fe: You're the girl guys wanna marry, not screw around with...and if they're not at that point in their life, they don't wanna mess with you...so they leave. Because then they fall and can't live up to the "expectations" that they think you deserve.

Makes sense. Unfortunately.

Stop thinking, I'm right here.

Dream:
I was killing zombies by decapitating them with a giant sharp-toothed comb.

I tried. At least now I can sleep knowing that I did.

I was dreaming about you, but I can't remember.

For some reason, I'm uneasy and ridiculously cranky. I don't know how to stop myself from being aggravated.

Fuck making the sangria. I'll just buy it premade. Shiet.

Dream:
Dino comes knocking on my door, drunk per usual, and he could care less about my presence or he's letting me know that he's not interested anymore.

So why the fuck are you knocking on my door? Why the fuck am I wasting any dream time on you!

Dream:

I was texting Day, telling her about what happened between me and monkey. Even in my dream, I tensed up to keep from getting upset.

Best Party Sangria Recipe

This Sangria recipe is perfect for big summer parties - always a favorite, you may consider doubling the recipe.

Ingredients:

• 1 Bottle of red wine (Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Rioja, Zinfandel, Shiraz)
• 1 Lemon cut into wedges
• 1 Orange cut into wedges
• 1 Lime cut into wedges
• 2 Tbsp sugar
• Splash of orange juice or lemonade
• 2 Shots of gin or triple sec (optional)
• 1 Cup of raspberries or strawberries (may use thawed or frozen)
• 1 Small can of diced pineapples (with juice)
• 4 Cups ginger ale

Preparation:

Pour wine into a large pitcher and squeeze the juice wedges from the lemon, orange and lime into the wine. Toss in the fruit wedges (leaving out seeds if possible) and pineapple then add sugar, orange juice and gin. Chill overnight. Add ginger ale, berries and ice just before serving. If you'd like to serve right away, use chilled red wine and serve over lots of ice. However, remember that the best Sangrias are chilled around 24 hours in the frig. - allowing the flavors to really marinate into each other.

Chyeah, I'm going to drink myself into a stupor.

Joel: My God, there's people coming out of your butt.

Clementine: I wish you'd stayed
Joel: I wish I'd stayed, too. NOW I wish I'd stayed. I wish I'd done a lot of things. I wish I'd... I wish I'd stayed... I do.

Mary: Adults are, like, this mess of sadness and phobias.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I miss you terribly and I can't bear to even tell you.

Another one bites the dust, but it doesn't suck any less.

Dilly-dally-do.

Dream:
Everyone was a zombie outside. My family and I stayed inside, but there must have been others because there was electricity. The food was starting to go bad though.

Next scene, I somehow make it to the supermarket and have to think quickly on what I want. I was going to get food, but instead realized that it was more appropriate to get batteries.

I wonder how much of this is from zombie class. It's strange, sometimes when I wake up from my dreams, it's so realistic that I feel like this world is a dream.