Leon Bonnet, Roman girl at a fountain

Sometimes when we're kissing, I feel out of place, like I'm not really there, but then you part your lips and speak and your voice jars me back to reality and to you.

I'm acting foolish I know, but can you blame me?

This song will remind me of you from now on.

My uncle got buzzed tonight. And apparently when he drinks, he gets more outspoken than usual (considering his quiet and passive demeanor). He asked me what I would do if grandma died and auntie moved to Texas. What would I do if I was left alone with my dad? How would I take care of us? I joked and said I could handle it; I'd buy him McD's everyday. He retorted that I need to depend on myself and not on anyone else. That my dad is getting old. Of course, my dad and I laughed it off, but at the back of our heads, we're both wondering: What would I do if I was left alone to take care of my dad?

I don't know. And that thought scares me.

I'm restless.

YAYYAYYYY UNEMPLOYMENT!!

My dad's store officially closed today. What does this entail? That both of us are unemployed.

In a way, we both graduated. His took 7 years, mine took 4. And now, we're uncertain as to what we should do, how we're going to make any kind of moola. It's a huge transition for him. People kept asking him today what was going on and he kept lying, saying he's changing just the layout. Even though, he didn't say anything and smiled the whole time, I can tell there's a sort of sadness in saying goodbye to this store. He made a lot of acquaintances with this store and lived a lot of interesting stories.

Yet, I'm relieved that he can sleep more and have more time to relax. I'm relieved that I can see him now, even though I'm sure his nagging will make me want to kill him. I'm relieved to have that stupid store he slaved over for barely any profit go and that at least now, I can know that he's safe from anymore physical threats.

I want my dad to enjoy the rest of his life, but to do that I have to step it up and be financially stable.

Crap.

okay okay okay

Goals for Summer
1. Learn how to drive
2. Go to gyno
3. Go to dentist
4. Get a job
5. Write 3 short stories
6. Read 6 books
7. Travel
8. GET A FUCKING JOB!
9. Get in shape.

I just deleted the weather forecast for Binghamton from my tabs.

So what now?

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
-C.S.Lewis

I will miss you terribly. Don't forget me too easily.

I am ridiculously blessed to have everyone in my life.

I need to stop drinking; I'm pretty fucking brain dead.

And so God, thank you

I was really confused about a lot of things this year. I didn't understand why I had so much bad luck and why everything was veering off course. I kept telling myself that it's going to make me stronger and that it's an experience, but I was never sure if it was going to get better.

Now at the end, I feel like everything makes sense; things are clicking into place. I'm really grateful to God that you're in my life because it seems like you were exactly what I was looking for. I'm lucky that I end my year with you.

If I have to bite my tongue off to keep from showing you how sad I will be when I say goodbye to you, monkey, then I will.

Writing my goodbye letters.

Now I find myself at a loss

I need a night to unscramble my thoughts and get back into the game.

Yesterday was my last day of official classes. As my English professor was talking, I felt regret. I regret that I didn't put my all into it, that I didn't take in all the words and read all the stories. I regret that I couldn't fulfill my potential in that class when he was amazing and the material was thought-provoking.

My first instinct is to run.

Oh boy. I feel inspired to write now.

My hands are sweaty and my heart might be pulsing a little faster than norm. Shit.

Anxiety is killing me. My stomach burns. Or maybe that's the coffee.

Home Alone At Last

I need a moment to collect my thoughts.

I'm graduating in two weeks and each day that passes, I feel less prepared for it.

Pauline, just walk away and let go already. Nothing will come of holding onto nothing.

I need to step away from Binghamton. It's just trouble.

I need a huge reality check.

My thoughts are my own worst enemy; they delude me into thinking things that aren't possible or likely.

But I never told you what I should have said. No, I never told you, I just held it in

Dream:
Frito Lay was sitting next to me and I was burning up. It felt like I was getting a fever, but you were rubbing circles right on the spot between my breasts and back. I must have jerked or moved when you were doing it because you turned to me and said in that voice of yours, "You're really sensitive". Your fingers were cool and soft, so soft. They calmed me down and took some of the burn away. You steadied me, but we didn't talk. We didn't need to. You watched TV and I basked in your presence, and felt safe and protected.

I will miss you a lot after I graduate.

On another note:

CarrollBlog 4.28

There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else; they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

Chuck Klosterman